Today I went for a run. It was my second run this week. My hope is to get back into the habit of running.
I used to run. I ran without much regularity for a while. Then, when I got divorced in 2016, I started running more frequently. I was dating people, trying to get in shape, and trying to figure out who I was. The running helped with all of that.
At first, I wasn’t very good at running. I had no endurance and I didn’t know how to pace myself. Sometimes, I would use that line as a self-effacing pickup with the people I dated – it’s a common guy problem. After about three months of running (and a slightly better diet), I had dropped close to, or over, 30 pounds. My endurance had improved and so had my pacing. I had gotten to the point where I could do a one-mile run in a little over seven minutes and I could average an 8 minute mile over the course of three or four miles. These aren’t amazing speeds, but they’re respectable. For my age, they put me squarely in the intermediate level.
In 2017, I started using a running app. It tracks all of the things you’d expect it to track: distance, pace, elevation, etc. My very first run using the app was on February 25, 2017. I ran 3.4 miles in 30 minutes and 22 seconds. That’s a pace of 8:56/mile. I burned 424 calories. Because it’s GPS based, the app only works when you’re actually covering distance – which means it doesn’t work if you’re on a treadmill. It was winter then, so the next run I tracked was a month later on March 21st. I ran 4.01 miles in 32minutes and 33 seconds. That’s a pace of 8:07/mile. I burned 496 calories. I can’t locate my fastest pace on the app, but I’m guessing it was a two-mile run that averaged close to seven minutes per mile.
Today’s run, by contrast, was 3.06 miles in 30 minutes and 59 seconds (a 10:09/mile pace). My endurance is back to being crappy and my speed isn’t what it used to be. I completed the first mile of today’s run in a little over 9 minutes and then needed to walk and run the last two miles.
Five years ago tomorrow, I ran my first and only race, the Philadelphia Half Marathon. Facebook reminded me that on Friday, Nov. 16, I shared that I was going. Tomorrow it will reminded me of whatever I shared on the day of the race. Island Photography, the company that took official race photos has also been reminding me that the deadline to order photos is rapidly approaching. It send an email with some of the pictures of me and my girlfriend running that race. I swore, I unsubscribed from their emails two years ago. Maybe not.
I hadn’t planned on running a race. The woman I was dating was going to run it and I wanted to spend time with her. As such, having never run more than four or five miles in my life, I offered to train and run the half-marathon (13 miles) with her. A year later, when we were no longer together, I commemorated the anniversary of the race by writing something here on this blog, “Learning to Run.” It was a little bit about running, but it was mostly a metaphor for how she and I had different paces and seemed to want different things (out of running and ultimately out of the relationship). I consider it one of the better or more thoughtful things I’ve written in this space – though it could use some cleaning up. The metaphor still holds up.
If that earlier blog post from four years ago was a reflection on that relationship, today I’m thinking about running in slightly different terms. For part of my run today, I felt frustrated with my pace and my endurance. I kept saying to myself, “you used to be so much better at this.” At times, I felt frustrated with how little running I’ve done in the past three years. Living in State College, having a long commute, taking care of the dog, the cold and gray weather, and a level of depression were all contributing factors (and excuses). At times during my run today, I felt like I had been robbed of three years of taking care of myself – and now I’m struggling to get back to where I used to be…
And that was the epiphany that came to me after my run today: enjoy today’s run on it’s own merits and not as a comparison against some past standard. There was a time when I was trying to learn someone else’s pace and learning to run together seemed like a good metaphor. This time, re-learning to run, I’m realizing that I need to let go of what used to be. It’s been over three years since I could average under 9 minutes per mile for a three-mile run. It’s been five years since I ran a half-marathon. I have to remind myself that I’m a beginner again and that I’m older. I don’t know if I’ll ever get back to that speed or that level of stamina. Expecting to be as in shape or as fast as I was back then is unfair to myself. Society trains us to focus on constant improvement, but it does not do a good job of teaching us to adjust our baselines and our expectations. As with lots of things in life (cars, relationships, memories, sea cliffs), bodies break down, and building things takes time.
I went for a run today. It wasn’t my fastest or my longest. I had to walk parts of it. At times, I was out of breath and panting. I was also running along the marina with a beautiful view of the bay. It was warm enough to be in shorts and a t-shirt. There were happy dogs and birds and greenery. There were other runners struggling and some who were kicking ass. I don’t know if I’ll get to be the kind of runner I used to be. I don’t know if I want to be who I used to be. I do know that with practice and patience, this too will get easier.