On Tuesday morning (today as I write this), I was feeling bummed that I got a rejection for a job I had applied to. By Tuesday afternoon, I had gotten a second rejection for a different job. Between the two rejections, I wrote about how the first rejection (and reading that email first thing in the morning) may have set me up for feelings of self-doubt and, consequently, set me up to have a slightly negative view on life. Also between those two rejections, I went to a national park, took a few short walks, and managed my way through San Diego traffic.
It was the traffic that provided context for the earlier feelings. Specifically, as I merged onto the highway and the car behind me zoomed out impatiently – very noticeably so – that I thought this world isn’t very kind or accommodating to people who don’t know their way – to novices trying to learn, to people lost for the first time or the fiftieth, to people who have slowed down a step. The night before at a bar a young couple asked if anyone was sitting next to me. I tried to explain that there was a guy, but I’m not sure if he’s coming back. They said, you snooze you lose. We live in a you snooze you lose society. Taking time off is sometimes punished (explain this gap on your resume) and often frowned upon. None of this is new. Years ago I bought this domain Turtlesloth because I had a sense that I’d like to slow down and be more intentional.
The self doubt (and the desire to slow down), I’m realizing, is an age thing and an experience thing. Sometimes, I feel like I need to snooze. I don’t want to move fast. I don’t want to break things. I haven’t accumulated a list of policy accomplishments or “impressive” accolades because that’s never been the race I was running. I’m a pretty regular guy who still thinks he might do some good in the world…. And that’s what I want to put on the resume and cover letter. That’s what I wish could get me hired – that I’m still willing to navigate traffic, that I’m a little slower, but maybe wiser, that at this point in my life, I have far more questions than I do answers.
The rejection emails all talk about candidates with more experience – which says nothing of willingness to learn…. says nothing to the willingness to suck at something new. And that’s what hit me. Almost every day, for the past however many days it’s been, I have had learn to be somewhere new, to navigate new traffic and landscapes. And the thought of navigating yet more traffic: deciding which on ramps and exits to take, which careers and jobs to pursue, which places to live, who to date, and literal traffic is daunting, if not exhausting.
I had hoped I’d be more skilled at this ambiguity thing by now. I think I am, but I still have setbacks. And while I appreciate the social media props… the people who are “jealous” or who say they could never take on such risks… those comments bring little consolation in the more… doubtful, uncertain, questioning moments.
Yes, I’d love some help with all of this. I’m tired of my maps app not re-routing fast enough. I don’t mean to be slow, or uncertain, or in the way. For as many amazing experiences as I’ve had so far, there’s also been this nagging tug of uncertainty. Because the day to day has been on the fly, I’ve had little time to devote (or have chosen to devote little time) to the larger uncertainties. The rejection emails hit home because these are things I’m going to have to face and address – and sometimes I just want someone else to navigate the traffic for a while so that I can focus on the road ahead.