About two years ago I met a woman from North Jersey. Her name is Tamara, the accent is on the first syllable (Tam-ara). We met online, and then in person. We went to Freehold, NJ for drinks and dinner. She’s pretty, and chill, and also on the spiritual side. We had a great conversation – mostly about love and relationships… what we’re each hoping to find. Tamara wasn’t looking for a relationship, but she did want someone to bake cookies with. She had a therapy practice that kept her pretty busy… we talked about therapy as well – I had never gone. On Tamara’s wrist was a small tattoo of an incomplete circle. I can’t remember, but I think it was mostly black with a touch of blue and green to it. She said it was the ensō symbol. She explained it’s meaning, but I didn’t make much of it at the time.
When my fiancee left, my therapist and a friend both suggested that I practice meditation as a way to calm my mind. Her leaving was abrupt, and hard to process – I’ll never fully understand what happened. I started by reading the book Mindsight by Dr. Dan Siegel. I was hoping for more of a how to book on meditation, but Mindsight had enough in it to convince me that meditation was worth exploring. I tried to practice every day. It’s a lot harder than I thought it would be. I would focus on my breathing. I would pay attention to the thoughts that came walking across my mind. I was learning to wave hello to those thoughts… politely acknowledge them, but tell them – “this is not the time for you, we can talk later.” In the moment, meditation brought me calm. Sadly, I didn’t stick with it for very long.
This year I spent my birthday, alone. I’m almost always at the shore with my family, but family drama and losing my ex-fiancee, B, kept me away. My dad and stepmom had come over for dinner the night before. Things got heated between dad and I. Unkind things were said. I took the day off and had planned to get a tattoo…
I was looking for a symbol of calm, and freedom, and simplicity. I once again came across the ensō. I looked at it’s meaning, searched through images…. I settled on this one as my tattoo. As I read about the ensō (for a simple explanation… wikipedia), and how it is about freeing the mind so that the body can create, it suddenly seemed really inappropriate and almost ironic (in a bad way) to get a stock image of an ensō tattooed on my arm. Instead I decided I would practice creating my own ensō and when I had one I liked, I would get that as my tattoo. For the past month and a half I’ve been painting an ensō every day. No two are alike. I try different techniques, some with acrylic, some mixed with water… one day my meditation brought tears to my eyes, and so the paint was mixed with tears. One day I had a glass of wine – acrylic mixed with pinot. My process is pretty simple. I cut off all distraction (music, phone, etc.). I try to be purposeful in gathering my materials. I look at the paper, and focus on my breathing. Sometimes I close my eyes. I think about what’s going on inside of me – am I angry? Frustrated? Calm? I think about the breath I take in and the exhale. I visualize where I will start and what direction I will paint, clockwise or counterclockwise? I load my brush with paint and with one continuous stroke, I create. Afterwards, I pause and think about the ensō. Did it reflect my inner feeling. While I try not to, I often judge my creation. Is it a good circle? Is it round or is it wobbly? The part of the circle I like most is the streaks – the spots where the brush didn’t fully connect or where the paint ran out. I also like the stray lines.
8/12/19 My first enso 
8/19/19 A storm inside 
9/13/19 Tattoo? 
9/22/19 A sense of loss
Sometimes I write down what I was thinking or feeling – looking back, it’s almost always a sense of loss. I haven’t picked one for a tattoo yet. Every couple of days I tell myself today I’m getting the tattoo – and then I find a bunch of reasons not to go. I’m also having trouble picking one. I’m starting to see something I like in each of them.