A list of things I’ve tried to write about: birthday gratitude, being unconventional, a recent job interview, the new/old brand of toxic masculinity, what I value in life (related to the job interview and also the birthday), an observation from an exchange with a guy who was trying to sell me a new roof.
Birthday Gratitude
A week ago, I celebrated my birthday… that annual reminder that time is relentless, limited, and often unforgiving… that annual reminder that this life is the only life we have. That annual question of how might I make this life meaningful? Among the well wishes from friends on Facebook, a friend from childhood wrote, “From kindergarten to this very day, you’ve remained one of the nicest, kindest, smartest and most genuine people I know.” It was an extremely kind and thoughtful thing to say. It gave me the feels.
My response of thanks to the people who reached out was a quote from poet and meditator Yung Pueblo:
It’s the friends who help you realign with your original mission and values that make a substantial difference in your life. Sometimes it just takes one conversation with someone who is radically authentic to reignite your inner fire and help you get back on the right path.
Setting aside my skepticism about “purpose” and “right paths” in life, my friend’s comment reminded me of what I value. It hit on much of what I aspire to in life: kindness, authenticity, and thoughtfulness. As I begin another year on this warming and increasingly inhospitable rock, my hope is to continue to practice and move towards radical authenticity – a commitment to a level of inner honesty and self-compassion that guides my actions and hopefully radiates outwards.
Odd Man Out
When I look around at my family and friends (old friends, not so much the new ones) I feel out of sync with them and their way of living. Among my family members (siblings and parents), I am the only one who is (and has been for a while) single. I’m also the only one who seems to have had this non-traditional career trajectory in which I’ve worked in multiple fields (none of them terribly lucrative) and have increasingly focused my efforts on trying to align my work with doing good in the world. Years ago, I had wanted to get to the top of the ladder so that I could more easily switch to other occupations if I had to (CEOs seem to switch fields with greater ease because subject expertise isn’t always required). What I hadn’t counted on was that I would find myself taking all of these small ethical/moral stances. I don’t want to enrich organizations that behave poorly or don’t “need” the support. Not that I think I’m capable or have the experience, but I’m not sure I would want to head up a large organization whose focus is on enriching their shareholders or who extract obscene amounts of wealth at the expense of their laborers. I hesitate when I apply to jobs at places like Stanford or Berkeley because they sit on massive endowments and I struggle with the concept of trying to get them even more money as I watch small, impoverished organizations that are doing good front-line work struggle to keep their doors open.
Sometimes, especially in these times of transition, I wonder if life would have been a lot easier if I had become a banker or worked for the government or just stayed in one career (education or publishing). Having done some of the work I’ve done, I’ve seen some of the uglier sides of capitalism. I’ve talked to the guy who doesn’t know what he’s going to do because the plant closed down, he’s got a family to feed, and that was the only job he knew how to do. Once the veil is lifted, it’s hard not to see the ponzi scheme for what it is: corporate growth for the sake of growth, new products not because we need them or because the old products are ineffective, but because we can make them and sell them and grow our markets. All of this has me feeling wildly at odds with how Americans live and think. All of this has me feeling inadequate or subpar because America’s measuring stick for success is hash marked with salary, titles, and consumption.
As I leave my secure job in pursuit of other forms of fulfillment, I’m acutely aware of how unconventional my approach is. I’m not always comfortable bucking the system. Increasingly, I feel like I’m fighting this uphill battle to live authentically in a world obsessed with spectacle, flash, grift, and performance.
A Recent Interview
Having bounced around these past few years and having practiced building a mindset that is more accepting of surrender than it is of ambition, the “right path” thing can sometimes be problematic. As an example, I recently had a job interview in which one of the people conducting the interview pointed out that the position would be a step back for me and wanted to know how I saw it fitting into my career objectives. I tried to explain that I don’t really have career objectives. I tried to explain that I value meaningful work with kind and curious colleagues over job titles. I tried to explain that I don’t view work as a series of liner advancements in title but instead see it as a way to advance skills and knowledge. For me, the next step might not be into another CEO role at a larger company but might be into a role where I have a little less experience and room to grow.
I didn’t get the job and I didn’t get any feedback. I’m not sure what changes I want to make and I’ve forgotten how long, slow, and disappointing this process can be.
Toxic Masculinity
My father recently sent a link to an opinion article called “The Lost Boys of the American Right.” In it, the author chronicles some of the many instances in which young men on the political right have not so quietly been sharing their misogynistic, homophobic, and racist views. When he first mentioned the article (over breakfast last weekend), I had done a quick google search which turned up an two articles in the Atlantic about the same topic spread several years apart. The emergence of these angry man-children isn’t new. I can vaguely remember a different article years ago that chronicled how sexually immature and abusive young men were – how they frequently send unsolicited dick pics and harass women. I recalled a different article that talked about book series that was wildly popular among Evangelicals and always depicted men as heroes whose job it was to save and dominate women.
While these things have been playing out, there have been a number of other articles highlighting an “epidemic of loneliness” among white men. The power dynamics have been shifting for quite some time and it seems that there’s a portion of the male population who feel their only recourse is to lash out. While these types of men have always existed, they used to be more on the fringes. Now, they’re working openly in political campaigns and feel emboldened by people like Tr*mp and that billionaire whose last name rhymes with tusk.
What I Value
Birthdays, jobs, dating profiles, moving… with all of these things going on simultaneously, I can become easily overwhelmed by choice, ambiguity, and this barrage of opportunities for introspection. As much as I try to embrace ambiguity, my mind grasps for and latches on to any frayed rope that might represent certainty. Every job interview represents something I could be moving towards – a level of security that makes all of this a little less frightening. I believe goals can help us chart a course but in the absence of a goal (a new job or set course) I’m trying to remain open to the detours, side alleys, and open-ended time-frame. For all of my attempts to gain clarity on what I value and how I might be of service to the world, I keep coming back to this notion of inner resolve and trusting myself. I keep coming back to practicing kindness and authenticity and slowing down. Some would call it faith and suggest “God always provides.” I’m not a religious person, so I prefer to think of it as karma: be decent and decent things happen. I don’t know what to expect when I leave or when I arrive but I’m learning to value the journey and the present moment.
When Trying to Sell a Roof…
Criticizing the workmanship of the previous roof (or deck or addition or installation of whatever) isn’t as effective as a sales tactic as one might think. This past week after a hard rain, water seeped into the finished basement. I’ve pulled carpet up, sprinkled baking soda, and have had fans running 24 hours a day for a week. I suspected that the water was the result of a gutter problem or leak in the roof in the garage. My father called someone out to take a look at the roof. As he tried to sell me on getting a new roof, he pointed out all of the ways the old roof was inadequate (shingles not staggered properly, bad flashing, etc. etc.). Of course, he would do it differently. The thing is, even though it’s not my house and the roof was done before my family bought the place, I felt myself getting a little defensive. In my experience, contractors love to come in and criticize whatever it is they’re being hired to fix. What they seem to discount is that home ownership is source of pride for many people, and that being overly critical can have the effect of implying that the home owner made poor decisions or has not taken good care of the house. As the roofer continued on in his sales pitch, I began to tune him out in favor of focusing on why I might feel defensive over a house that isn’t mine and a roof that I’ve had nothing to do with – fully accepting that internalizing criticism is entirely a me problem… but also wondering if a different, more solutions-based sales approach work better?
If All of This Sounds Familiar
I repeat myself a lot. I don’t think it’s intentional. I suspect it’s my mind’s way of reinforcing my own beliefs and mitigating self-doubt. I become mildly obsessed about our personal narratives and how they often represent some of who we are, some of who we hope to be, and minor corrections to who we’ve been. This morning as I was writing this and cleaning it up, I paused and read my post from August 18, 2020 (Noise). I probably could have saved you the trouble of reading the paragraphs above and just re-shared this one from three years ago:
It’s hard not to feel disheartened that we live in an increasingly fake world. Our technology has made it so easy to remain anonymous and to create fake accounts and fake people and yes, fake news. Trust seems to be crumbling everywhere. I don’t know what the solution is. I don’t know how we push a narrative and practice of authenticity. I know there have always been hustlers and tricksters, but it seems like capitalism has run amok. Honestly, part of me is a little jealous. I’m not smart enough to cash in, and even if I were, I’m not sure I’m morally corrupt enough to cash in. The net effect is that I feel like an outsider – the only one not in on the secret. And if I’m being honest, I don’t even want to cash in. If I did, I’d probably give almost all of it away. Anymore, I just want enough to live a decent life on my own terms and ignore all the other crap. I want to not concern myself with whether or not other people are being authentic, whether or not that review was real or written by someone who was paid to not read the book. And these are just the small things – the grifters and the charlatans… We have a president determined to overturn every policy of his predecessor because he can and determined to squeeze as much money out of the American people for his own and his friend’s profits…. and then there are also the real criminal people in positions of power causing genuine harm. This morning I read that ICE agents in El Paso, Texas have been accused of sexually molesting women imprisoned in the detention center there. Or I see the headlines about this celebrity and that celebrity jetting off to this place or that place… while the world is on lock down, they continue to play from Miami to Wyoming to wherever their money can take them. This is America. Again, I don’t know what to do about any of it. Closing my eyes won’t make it go away, but it feels like it’s all getting so much more brazen, so much louder.