Just now, I tried a five-minute guided meditation. I stopped two minutes and seven seconds into it to write about the less-than-successful attempt. Unlike a lot of people I’ve talked to, I usually don’t have a problem clearing my mind. I suspect that had I sat down, set a timer and just gone at it, I’d have had no problem. It was the guided part that completely threw me off.
When I talk to people about spirituality or Buddhism, I’m usually asked if I meditate. I always hem and haw over my answer: “not in the traditional sense.” What I mean to say is that I don’t sit lotus style on a pillow with lilting music or the sound of raindrops in the background and deliberately meditate. I write. I look out windows. I listen to music in the dark. Often, when I do those things, I try to do them with intention. I try not to multi-task. Writing my 52 words every day, for me, is a type of meditation. I focus on what I’m seeing, hearing, sensing, thinking (or I recollect a moment and focus on recreating it). I also have random moments on any given day where I ask myself, can I clear my mind? Is anything going on up there?…. and I scan my brain and realize the only thing going on is that I’m thinking about not thinking. This feels like a meta meditation. Were it not for the question, there’d be silence.
The first challenge I faced was in choosing a guided meditation to follow. I typed into google “five minute meditation” and scrolled through the results. The first few results were all YouTube videos: 5-Minute Meditation You Can Do Anywhere; 5 Minute Mindfulness Meditation; 5 Minute Meditation For Positive Energy; Clear Your Mind, 5 Minute Meditation, Calm & Relaxed; etc. etc. The next few results were the “People also ask” feature: Is 5 minutes enough to meditate, How to meditate for five minutes, etc. etc. The rest of the results were a mix of links to meditations, articles on the benefits of meditation, and links to apps for meditation. I sat there not sure how to choose – as if making the wrong choice would be a waste of my five minutes. I asked myself how do I know which one I want to do? After dithering over this for a few minutes (probably more than five) I said to myself – who cares pick one and do it. If it sucks, pick a different one. I went with the first one on the the list: 5-Minute Meditation You Can Do Anywhere. Cool. I’m at the table. I just finished breakfast. Let’s do this. Two minutes and seven seconds into the video I was laughing and had to stop to describe the experience.
I hit play on the video.
Lilting music… a narrator with a pleasant enough voice comes on all breezy and casual, “hey there, thanks for gifting yourself these next few minutes.” Errrm, wasn’t really a gift, but ok. Is this part of the 5 minutes?
“It’s important to remember that you’re a priority.” Cool – but, never said I wasn’t a priority. Shit, if anything I might make myself too much of a priority, but go on.
“and allowing yourself even just a few short minutes of internal reflection can really have a positive impact on your day.” Thanks – that’s what I’ve heard. And when do those few short minutes begin?
“So, let’s use these next few minutes to come back to center and set an intention for the rest of your day.” Well… maybe. I wasn’t really planning on setting an intention for the rest of my day. Kinda just wanted to meditate for a few minutes.
“Move into a comfortable position,” I shift in my seat – got it.
“whether you’re seated at your desk at work,” Nope, not at work yet.
“or laying on the couch at home, and gently close your eyes.” Ok, hold on, quick sip of coffee, because if I try that with my eyes closed, it’s not going to work.
“and shift all of your attention onto your breath, taking slower, deeper breaths” Deep breath in – already ahead of you on this one.
“than you’ve taken all day so far.” Wait – my day just started… I haven’t taken any breaths yet, I mean I have, but I haven’t thought about them, I mean…. hush. Breath in.
“taking a deep breath in through your nose and slowly letting it out through your mouth.” Ok, hold on, because I let that deep breath out through my nose. Let me try again. Inhaaaaaallllllleeeeee….. exxxxxhaaaaallllleee.
“and continuing to breath that way feeling your lungs expand out as you inhale and contract back in (pause) as you exhale.” I feel that, I can almost see my lungs expanding and contracting, crap, that exhale was through the nose again. Does it have to go through the mouth?
“Tune into your body, noticing how it feels.” Hmmmm, how’s the shoulder feeling, any pain? what’s the pain like? It’s not bad, nothing sharp. Anything else?
“Noticing if there’s anything it’s trying to tell you.” Yeah, I’m listening. searching for feelings and pangs and messages… bodily emails… morse code signals?
“Notice any place of tension or tightness in your body.” I’m checkin’….
“and give those areas permission to relax, sending love into those areas” Dude, I just woke up not too long ago, I’m pretty relaxed as it is.
“Thank your body for taking such good care of you.” errmm, ok. Thank you.
“and let it know that it’s ok to relax for these next few minutes.” Sure. Like I said, I’m pretty relaxed… My left pectoral muscle starts to twitch really fast… (I’m starting to laugh) oh shit, why is that happening, and of all the times to have a spasm. This is kinda ironic.
“You may notice that your mind starts to wander off” Yep, my left tit is twitching and I’m a little distracted. I think I’m gonna have to write about this.
“That’s ok. That’s natural.” Is it?
“Just notice it and bring your attention back to your body.” How can I not notice it? It’s the only thing I notice. My attention hasn’t left my shaking tit. So, yep, still focused on the body and thinking a little about how I’ll describe this – it’s pretty much a lost cause at this point.
“Using your breath as your anchor.” I’m chuckling, my eyes are watering. My breathing is not contemplative. The anchor has been cut loose.
“Try to picture one thing that’s happened today.” Just woke up my dude, haven’t had many things happen yet. At least the twitching has stopped.
“that’s made you smile or made you thankful or appreciative” STOP. I’m done.
I’ll have to try again some other time. Clearly, this isn’t a first thing in the morning guided meditation. I suspect a lot of the meditations, especially the short ones, will be focused on relieving and letting go of “the stress of the typical workday.” And it makes sense. People who are googling how to meditate for five minutes are probably busy… I imagine an office setting, people in suits and business attire, filing cabinets and a frenzy of papers, fast walking to business meetings. I sometimes have a stressful job, but I don’t feel terribly frazzled or frantic over it. Almost all of my turmoil is over the many other things I want out of life and the notion that time is ticking faster than I’d like it to. When will I go to Paris, Spain, Italy? When will I move? What’s the next job going to be like? Will I meet someone? I can’t even imagine what that might be like. Can we have a chill and fun vibe – exploring and just being? I’d really like to sit in the sun at a cafe.
I think I daydream more than other people do. I’m always talking to myself, or listening to my thoughts, or quieting down the noise. I recently read that 50% to 70% of people don’t have an internal monologue. What the hell is going on there then? My turmoil isn’t about tuning in or tuning out… it’s usually over how to put those daydreams into reality. My turmoil is in believing I deserve to pursue those things – especially when so many other people don’t have the time to dream. Shit, they don’t even have the time for a five minute meditation.