I have a deeply hidden and inarticulate desire for something beyond the daily life.
-Virginia Woolf
I was quick to correct my friend when he said something along the lines of “I get it, you’re just not satisfied here. You want something more.” Completely ignoring the “I get it part,” I did a few clarifying linguistic somersaults around “wanting more” or “unfulfilled.” I mentioned Buddhism, desire, suffering. I was trying to say, “yes, but I also understand how wanting more (having more) does not translate into happiness.” On nice days I’m quite content, except….
He and I were out at a restaurant at a blues show. The woman next to me had just used the word, “wasband” and I asked her why we don’t have something as clever to describe ex-wives. She could guess I was single, formerly married, and said she had daughter who was single… but she (the daughter) lives in Charleston. When I mentioned this to my friend, he suggested that maybe I should consider the 60 to 65 crowd – he thinks I could do quite well. He agreed that the demographics here are all wrong for me. It’s mostly college students and retirees. “You just don’t have some of the things you want.” While true, for me, that’s a difficult statement to swallow without adding a lot of qualifiers.
So many of us are taught from a young age that wanting more than what we have is a sign of greed or ingratitude. Obviously, not all of us are taught that. There are a lot of people who are taught to be insatiable, to go after what they want, the world is theirs for the taking. In fact, most people I know appear to be better at going for what they want than I am. And because I seem to lack this skill, I’m hyper aware of it when I see it in others. I can remember one of the stressors about going to the shore house with my extended family was how little fridge space would be left for the two Uhler families. Both my brother and I were raised in this “you get what you get and you don’t complain about it” “eat your dinner, there are kids starving in Africa” mentality. As a result, he and I try not to rock the boat. We are over sensitive to, and aware of, what space we take up in the world. We don’t like to be in other people’s way or take more than what is ours. We suffer quietly as others claim dibs. We find work-arounds. Eventually, to compensate for the lack of fridge space, my brother started bringing an extra large cooler and dry ice to the shore house. I opted to minimize how much stuff I’d bring that required refrigeration.
Thinking about my friend’s comment and my somewhat defensive reaction, I’m acutely aware of how uncomfortable I am with wanting more than I have. How that discomfort bleeds into resentment towards those people who walk through the world taking anything and everything (seemingly without this inner turmoil). How it paints my worldview and sets up a dichotomy in which I’m not the greedy one… everyone else is. And suddenly, I heard my father’s booming voice as he played the part of Mr. Bumble from Oliver Twist. “More? You want More?”
That was it… that was how I believed I fit into the world: my hands shaking as I hold out my bowl and timidly ask, “please sir, may I have some more?” Only to be mocked and chastised for wanting a reprieve from a hungry belly and thin gruel. This discomfort (shame) with wanting more from life has been at the heart of my more vexing personal/philosophical/spiritual struggles for quite some time. Living with suppressed desires probably means not knowing how to adequately express or pursue those desires. In its worst manifestations, I suspect it can look desperate. In its more common manifestations, it means that I take longer to make decisions because I not only weigh the cost/benefit of change, but I often convince myself that I’m fine with the status quo (it took me forever to get a new car). A significant part of my persona is this easy-going and accommodating guy who always makes do and expects or wants little of others. For the most part, I try to live a happy-go-lucky, laid-back life. I love and like lots of things and experiences. But when I examine my desires and discontents, I start to think that persona might be a fraud – a front for my milder ambitions (whatever those may be).
As with so many things, I suspect the real problem is in setting up an either/or dichotomy. Wanting more does not necessarily mean I’m not thankful for what I have. I have to remind myself of this. I can be content and curious at the same time. I can look around and say, ” all of this is great, but what else ya got?” Even though my friend said he understood, I doubted him mostly because I’m not sure how well I understand it myself. My current situation of tossing aside a relatively secure life with its moments of contentment for something far less defined does not come easy for me – not because of the uncertainty, but because I don’t like to admit that I want/need/deserve more.