They might not be the worst people in the world, but the couple I met from Florida were among the least generously spirited people I’ve encountered. Our conversation ended when they called me disgusting and a pedophile and stormed out of the bar. Meh.
She was an attractive blond who was well put together with her Burberry scarf. He was your typical early forties white male with a tight haircut and sport zip up over a button-down shirt. We were at a blues bar and began talking between sets. She started talking about how bad the city has gotten. She blamed it on the government which she said allows drug use out in the open. She thinks people have flocked to San Francisco because they can shoot up on the train and not go to jail. She has no proof of this, but that didn’t stop her from making assumptions. She frequently used terms like “these people” to refer to drug users, homeless, basically anyone you’d see struggling on the streets. Given my professional background, these are the conversations I struggle to steer clear of – though probably should.
Yes, there are people experiencing homelessness in San Francisco – a lot of them. There are also people experiencing homelessness in just about every county in the country – cities and rural communities alike. Yes, in some neighborhoods, it is pronounced and shocking to the senses (sights, smells, and sounds). UN Plaza in downtown San Francisco can look like a scene from a zombie movie. Dozens of people shuffle about in various states of disrepair. Not everyone has shoes and few people seem to own belts – you’ll see more ass crack then you care to. Everyone seems hunched over and slow. Walking through the throngs can be a challenge because nobody walks in a straight line, and every movement seems unpredictable. For folks like the people from Florida, this is disgusting – they said as much. They fail to recognize that these are human beings – which is easy to do because they don’t seem to behave like human beings (at least not in the orderly way middle class America would like them to behave). When pressed for solutions, the folks from Florida could only offer jail, but they don’t want their tax dollars going to support lazy people who made bad choices.
Homelessness and drugs were the entry point for our conversation. I tried to explain that many people from various walks of life find themselves in downward spirals that can be hard to get out of. Those I’ve talked with on the right of the political spectrum tend to believe it’s always bad choices (which conveniently allows them to wear their own superiority and strong work ethic proudly). I sometimes argue that we all make bad choices, some get caught, some don’t… and even then, we seem to have different rules. Someone abusing the welfare system is seen as a cheat, while corporations dodging taxes are seen as savvy business operators. Judicial penalties are often harsher for those who can’t afford good representation… Justice is far from blind. As we talked, I tried to talk about inequality. I tried to explain the impacts of poverty on brain development, or that maybe there might be people who work just as hard as they do (if not harder) and never get ahead, and that we have a system that has denied mortgages and loans and all types of opportunities to people simply because of what they look like or where they started out in life.
They called me woke (multiple times). When asked to define woke, all they could do was point at me and say I was woke. In my experience in these types of conversations, there’s a lot of finger pointing and very little self-reflection. It’s far easier to demonize and blame than to try to understand. In talking about lack of opportunities, the woman began talking about how her husband didn’t get a promotion that went to someone less qualified whose last name was Hussein (she said don’t even get her started with the last name). Their son is getting denied entry into college because slots are going to black and brown people. To them this woke country is practicing reverse discrimination. They said the worst thing to be in this country is a white male. They wanted to know how I felt about that. Aren’t I, as a white male, upset about this. I said, “I don’t know, it seems like maybe we had a pretty good run.” This infuriated them. They tried to enlist the sympathy and support of the college-aged white kid next to them. They mocked me and would say, can you believe this woke bullshit.
Riled up, they switched to gender. It was as if they’ve been walking around the city all day carrying around a suitcase full of grievances packed ever so tightly by the talking heads on Fox News. Drugs, crime, work ethic, wokeness, libs, and their big concern, gender. They asked me, “what is a woman?” I told them, I’d need some context, but that I was well-aware of the bogus documentary they were referencing. Because I didn’t answer with their standard definition, they again mocked me, “this guy can’t even answer what a woman is. We’ll tell you, a woman has a vagina and a man has a dick.” I tried to point out, that even “straight-forward” biology isn’t as straight forward as they think. I tried to point out that throughout human history in every society, people have questioned gender identity, and for all of human history, things like sexual preferences and norms have taken on different cultural meanings. This is when I usually try to suggest that we would all be better off if we could approach the most marginalized, and even those who violate cultural norms, from a place of understanding, cultural sensitivity, and historical context. If we look at ancient civilizations like ancient Greece…. This is when they said I was disgusting and a pedophile. That I liked to touch young boys, and left. It seemed like some pretty wild accusations to throw at a complete stranger sitting in bar.
From the few conversations I’ve had with people on the extreme right of the political spectrum, I’ve begun to notice some patterns of ideological escalation. The conversations begin with some generalization about poor people or disenfranchised people in which the other party says that “those people” just don’t work hard enough, or are lazy, or are, etc. etc. etc. That’s almost always the entry point. I’ve spent a decade working on issues related to poverty, housing, homelessness, education, and health. Why people are where they are is such a complex set of factors that I cringe at broad generalizations which attempt to set up a good/bad or deserving/undeserving dichotomy. It’s just not true, and there is tons of research pointing to the complexity of economics as well as decades-long inherent problems in our systems that have led to extreme disparities in wealth, health, and well-being. Usually, at some point in the conversation, these folks will talk a lot about how hard they’ve worked for what they have – so much so, that one might think they are afraid to admit that maybe they’ve had some advantages. The suggestion that some demographics in this country (mostly middle class, white people and the wealthy) have benefited from intentionally designed systems seems to be a significant threat to their self-identity. In my experience, when a person’s identity is being threatened or questioned, fight or flight ensues. This is when I’m usually called names, like woke, or communist, or whatever else people want to throw my way. This is when they raise their voices and roll their eyes. This is also when they usually to enlist other people in the conversation. This particular couple tried to get the guy on the other side of them to join in and bash my wokeness. He refused, and when they left he and I had a drink together. At a different time in a different bar, a different couple tried to also invite strangers into the debate on their side. While this has only happened a few times, the playbook is typical gaslighting techniques: belittle, mock, dismiss truth, and alienate/isolate. It’s a dishonest way to debate.
I try not to let these experiences lead me to broad generalizations about people who hold opinions different than my own. I try to engage in reasonable conversations, and I try to listen to understand. Far too often, I walk away disappointed. Disappointed in the lack of compassion that I see and hear. Disappointed that they’re unable to have discourse without becoming disagreeable and nasty (name calling and mocking). I know I shouldn’t be surprised by this. When people start down the path of “othering” they’re seldom looking for commonalities and often looking to prove themselves or their beliefs superior. I’m a firm believer that compassion will win out. I believe that demonstrating peace and grace and understanding can open even the hardest of hearts. Of course, that’s not always the case, and I have to caution myself against demonizing or becoming jaded. In most of my relationships (romantic, collegial, acquaintances, and strangers) I work hard to keep my heart open to the possibilities of reconciliation and finding common ground. I suspect were we to meet again, one of us would be open and the other might still be disgusted and angry. They weren’t the worst people in the world…