I’m still caught off guard by how quickly negative emotions or something approaching nervous dread can creep in, pour themselves a drink, and settle in on the couch with feet up as though they own the place. Minor setbacks in the face of major change, or small realizations that none of this is going to be easy, can, for me, become overwhelming. Passing by a furniture store on a street that has little to no residential parking was a quick jolt reminder, that moving into a city poses challenges (parking, getting stuff into an apartment, shopping for furniture). For a moment, I thought – maybe I should just get rid of all of my stuff, start fresh… and if I don’t, how do I want to move? I’m pretty sure I won’t be driving a truck. Should I get rid of my car? These are the thoughts that occasionally intruded on my mutli-hour walk yesterday. I’ll fret over logistics for weeks before I make any move.
This morning I got an “it was nice getting to know you, but we’re moving on with other candidates” email. Because, oh, yeah, I also have to figure out the job thing. Walking through neighborhoods to assess their livability / walkability leaves out the key component of my calculations: the commute? I don’t know where I’ll be working and choosing a place to live without knowing where I’ll be working seems unwise. That’s when I remind myself that I currently drive 45 minutes to work each day… and I can always move again.
And then there’s the dating aspect. I was bummed to meet someone who had that great first date vibe only to learn that some of the core values may not be aligned. I’ve already had another person cancel on me, and I’m currently waiting to hear from someone else about grabbing a cup of coffee this morning. I don’t want to date the way I did a few years ago. I don’t want to cycle through person after person trying to figure out why so many things are non-starters which has the ironic effect of making me really appreciate and miss the ones that were effortless and fun with a touch of magic. The process can get exhausting. And now that I’ve started taking a more serious look at the profiles of women who have “liked” me, I’m seeing there are plenty who are attractive but may not be good matches for other reasons. I like meeting people. I like connecting with people. I sometimes hate how many non-connections one has to make in order to find a good one.
Thankfully, being in a funk can be wiped away by good experiences. I had gotten through part of my rant and ramble (above) when my coffee date texted and wanted to meet up. She’s a flight attendant who lives in Germany and wanted to see if I’d want to explore the city with her. We spent the entire morning together walking around several cool neighborhoods. We found a great little sidewalk cafe where we drank coffee in the sun and people watched. She marveled at the Victorian houses and took lots of pictures. She was apprehensive about walking down an alley I had heard of – it had a few sketchy individuals in it, but the entire alley is street art murals. What was nice was that we had no expectations of a romantic connection (she lives in Germany) and we had a fantastic time exploring the city together. It reinforced my belief that life is meant to be shared. Even with strangers, wonder feels a little bigger.
The dread from earlier (maybe it’s a type of anxiety) will no doubt return. I have a lot of things to “figure out” and while I’m confident the pieces will fall into place, it’s hard to embrace this much uncertainty all at the same time. Nevertheless, the sun is shining and I’ve been given a good reminder to be here, now.