So concludes another week. Fall is here in its various manifestations – weather, twinge of melancholy, and officially in a calendar sense. It’s 44 degrees this morning – I’m not ready for the colder, darker days ahead.
I’m not sure I have much to say here in this space today – though I seldom do (consider that your warning). I’ve been thinking about a few things this past week: the crappy economy, the political stunt with migrants in Florida, minor challenges at work and no release valve, the disconnection of a Facebook friend, and the comparison of how I approach writing and publishing vs. how the people I follow on Twitter approach writing and publishing.
The Economy
I don’t understand economics – moreover, I’m not sure I trust economics. Sometimes I think it’s little more than a fancy way to explain the brutality of greed. Take for example, the law of supply and demand. It isn’t really a natural law… it’s not like gravity – there’s human choice involved. Prices don’t have to go up when demand is high. This week, I’ve been trying to understand the impact of the Fed’s moves…. When the pandemic hit, the Fed lowered interest rates to near zero. This is fantastic if you wish to borrow. It also, I would think, gives a huge perk to those who have wealth. They can borrow/leverage incredible sums of money at no cost. Now, with inflation on the rise, the Fed has raised interest rates. This puts the squeeze on borrowers and, in theory, brings down inflation by making demand more costly. I suspect this disproportionately hurts middle- and low-income families – especially if a recession hits. I assume those with significant wealth can ride out a recession and can choose not to borrow in times of high interest rate. Moreover – if their initial borrowing was to gain assets like property, they can pass the higher rates on to renters. Buy cheap, rent high. I suspect what we will find, is that this entire scheme has facilitated a massive transfer of wealth to people who already have wealth. The rest of us are just pawns.
The other thing that has bothered me about the economy this week (aside from the fears of another recession) was a report on a movement by a number of republican lawmakers to ban what they are calling “woke” investment practices. Some investment firms have been looking at things like climate change and social responsibility with respect to how they invest on behalf of their clients. Some republican lawmakers wish to ban this practice arguing that the only purpose of investment is to generate as much income as possible (not pay attention to the liberal agenda). This, to me, is infuriating… This type of thinking (combined with always demonizing the left) is why we have the problems we have – make as much money as possible regardless of the social or environmental costs and impacts… and do anything oppose the Dems. I hate being forced to participate in a system that lacks ethics and has only profit as its motive. Some could say I’m not forced to participate and I suppose they’re right, I could keep my money under a mattress… But the reality is, those are pretty much the only two financial options for people: play the game or don’t – and for decades we’ve been warned that not playing the game will leave us destitute in our old age.
Migrants
I’m not sure I have much to say beyond how appalling, callous, and cruel the behavior of those two governors has been. There was a time when I viewed the republican party as mostly reasonable people with whom I disagreed. This type of shit, shipping humans around for the sake of “owning the libs,” is about as disgusting and low as it gets. It’s as if these frat boy governors sat in some back room and said, “hey, let’s light a bag of poop on fire and put it on a Dem’s doorstep…. no no no, wait, let’s drop migrants off on their doorstep instead. That’ll show ’em, and we get rid of these pesky undesirables… win-win” These are childish stunts using real human beings. I am continuously disappointed in the cruelty of our elected officials.
Work, but Not Really
I don’t write much about work. I’m not going to write about work here, either. Most of my work issues are typical everyday, every person type of work issues: too much of it, occasional interpersonal conflict, struggling to find balance, struggling to build momentum, never enough resources, etc. etc. What really struck me this past week is how I don’t have anyone to complain to… which, ironically, makes for the worst dating profile and ensures I won’t have anyone to complain to: “I’m looking for someone to occasionally bitch and vent to – who will then want to help and I’ll refuse that help because I really just wanted to vent, and I’m not looking for solutions, I’m looking for sympathy, but we won’t know this in the moment, so we’ll fight where I’ll claim that you’re not really listening, and you’ll say you’re only trying to help… and won’t it be grand? Hey, how you doin’?”
I’ve touched on this notion of self-reliance vs. effective dependency a number of times. Every time I think about it or approach the subject, there’s always a feeling of guilt or inadequacy lurking closely behind. The real damage of having been judged as being needy in a relationship is that you start to resent yourself anytime you feel like you might want or need some type of connection beyond what you can provide for yourself.
I’m surprised by how often this mini argument plays out in my head. It might start with the desire for a shared, small, regular moment: that everyday dinner conversation or morning coffee or just making each other laugh. Then I find myself debating need vs. want. I’ll see-saw back and forth. I’ll tell myself that I do a pretty good job of entertaining myself. I’ve lived alone without these regular interactions for a while and I get by just fine. I tell myself this is more of a “it would be nice to have” sentiment. But then the hammer comes down and I remind myself that for me nice to have historically translates into a type of greed – meaning once I have it, I want it as often as possible. That’s when I imagine my accusers reading my blog and saying, “yep, he hasn’t changed a bit – still needy as fuck. Dodged a bullet with that one.”
I’m honest enough to admit I can be needy, and astute (or confident) enough to not give too much credence to the judgments. What I haven’t quite figured out is how walk between those two spaces without getting tied in mental and emotional knots. This is very similar to the challenges of seeking vs. sitting still. Joy from the outside AND within. I suspect the healthy regulation of emotions requires having multiple tools at one’s disposal. For me, those tools are the Friday-night guys at the bar, the occasional outing to a public space (bar, bookstore, coffee shop, park), writing and reading, and a few limited personal connections… but the tools I find most effective are self-reflection and intimacy and I’m starting to believe that they require each other to function properly.
I dated someone who was fiercely protective of her alone time, claiming that she was an introvert. Now having spent this time alone, I sometimes wonder would I be aggravated by someone interrupting my alone time? Would I resent the commitments to another? Or would that depend on the person? Are things like introversion and extroversion more situational than we think? Perhaps, fulfillment/joy/rejuvenation is less about introversion vs. extroversion (individual self vs. companion self) and more about the depths of intimacy, comfort, and safety experienced in any given situation. People often talk about where they get their energy and what saps their energy as if those are purely internal factors, but I suspect people can find a type of rejuvenation and intimacy in all types of relationships and environments (with the self, with another, with a group of people). I’ve had moments to myself, moments with a partner, and moments with groups that have been thrilling and wonderful and full of joy. I’ve also had similar situations that have been draining and dreadful.
So sure, work can be a drag… and I can reflect on it pretty well on my own, but sometimes it’d be nice to bitch about it with someone else over dinner and a drink.
I’ve stayed Facebook friends with a few women I’ve dated or almost dated (maybe six or seven of them). Only one of those six or seven would have been considered a relationship: a few months in length, deepening emotional attachments, etc. etc. Aside from liking a post here and there, I don’t really interact with any of them. Most of them are in other relationships and at least three of them are engaged. Sometimes, I’ll look them up either because they’ve been posting some things or because they haven’t been posting things. I’ll wonder how they’re doing, and viewing a profile seems less invasive than actually asking. The one who I considered to be a relationship, recently unfriended me. I know this because I had looked her up a few weeks ago. Her profile had remained on my recent searches page and then the other day disappeared. My first reaction was, I hope everything is ok. Sometime between looking her up and her unfriending me, her boyfriend’s profile showed up as a friend suggestion. Facebook is creepy like that. Being an egocentric human being, I wondered if I showed up in his recommendations and if that caused an issue. I hope not. There were times in their relationship in which she’d reach out to talk, maybe get a guy’s perspective. My advice was always the same: stay true to yourself (as if that’s easy), and if you can envision being old with this person and that still brings a smile to your face, find a way to push through, forgive, understand, or whatever it takes to get past this moment or these feelings…. and if you can’t, then maybe you need to have a conversation in which you both risk some vulnerability.
Years ago, Facebook caused a similar issue with the person I was dating. We had gone to a Penn State game and I posted a picture of us on FB. An ex-girlfriend saw it and texted me. I don’t remember what she wrote – something along the lines of “enjoying the game?” The text caused an issue – understandably so. This person and I hadn’t been in touch ever since the breakup, but I also hadn’t blocked her or anything like that. I have, perhaps, a strange approach to these types of things. I tend not to disconnect or block or erase. Partially because I like my sentimentality. Sure, sometimes getting photo reminders of people who are no longer in my life stings, but never in a bad way. I’m a firm proponent of the Mark Twain quote, “never regret anything that made you smile.” I also believe that by erasing our history or pretending it didn’t happen, we do a disservice to ourselves and to others. The big caveat would be that if holding on (or staying FB friends with someone from my past) prevented growth or made someone else uncomfortable, I’d be willing to disconnect and reassure.
A different FB friend, a woman I spoke with a few times but never met in person just posted a very touching tribute to her late husband (fifth-year anniversary of his passing). She remembers him as a remarkable human being. One with flaws and one who would remind her that perfection isn’t the goal calling it “a vice that holds true joy hostage.” She and I “met” online when I was living in Memphis. She lived in Nashville which, given my dating experience in Memphis, was starting to seem like a reasonable option. I was casting a wider net with my dating profile (also “met” a woman in Omaha). Our profiles resonated with each other. She was a therapist and writer, and I seem to attract a lot of therapist and writer types. When I learned she was a widow, I was thrown off. My previous relationship had been with a widow and I didn’t think I was ready for that complexity again. We had a few really deep conversations – mostly about how we were both dealing with loss and neither of us really felt ready to be dating. Because it was thoughtful and because she wrote about the healing benefits of holding both beauty and pain openly and tenderly, I wanted to share her tribute, but I don’t know her that well, and I didn’t want to co-opt.
And I suppose that’s the strange thing about FB and social media. We get to “know” people without getting to know them. All of these triumphs and failures on display as well as new ways of triggering, manipulating, and thinking about old emotions (memories, jealousy, isolation, projection). It’s a strange soup that is probably poisonous but it’s cheap and once in a while surprises us with a bit of nutrition.
The dog wants to play and I need to switch into work mode. I’ll revisit and revise and maybe post during lunch… or maybe I’ll re-read and say, “uggh, what drivel.” I’ll say that regardless.