“Two waffles and a cup of coffee. that’s what I need to face the day. If I can arm myself with a decent poem or something clever or moving, all the better….” That’s what the narrator in my head was saying as I buttered my waffles and pulled the syrup from the cabinet. I hear this narrator more than I used to. I’m not sure if he’s speaking more frequently, if I’m getting better at listening, or if there’s less noise – probably all three. It’s this voice that usually sends me to my computer to write. I can’t say that I like or dislike my narrator, but I’ve gotten pretty used to hearing him.
It’s hard to explain, but in this moment of listening to the morning quiet and my rambling thoughts, I began to wonder if I’ve gotten so used to only hearing myself in the morning that I might find the voice or voices of others to be annoying or noisy. In this brief moment, I had this fearful near-revelation that maybe in the past, I talked too much or asked too many questions or broke the silence too often. I’m the type of person that always wants to know what you’re thinking…. and this morning I had a slight sense of how annoying that might be. To which I can only say…. sorry, I didn’t know.
I’ve met people who talk all the time. They are void-fillers. I don’t think I do that… I’m ok with voids and silences. I’ve also encountered people, (mostly women I’ve talked to or dated) who have been fierce in their independence. I’ve come across dating profiles that are upfront about being happy alone – as if to fire a warning shot. I’m usually a little wary of people who claim not to need anyone else, who seem to like being alone… but this morning, I’m wondering if there’s something deeper going on – if maybe, they’ve come to appreciate, and grown protective of, that time with their narrator. I could see how a good-morning text or a conversation that breaks the silence might be unwelcome. These preferences (silence vs. talkativeness), like so many things, seem to fall on a continuum. We are what we get used to. As is often the case in my moments of self-discovery, my real understanding comes from experiencing something different. I didn’t know the struggles of dog-ownership until I had a dog. I didn’t understand real silence until I spent a few years with my thoughts as my primary company. I don’t know if I prefer the silence or not (the space where I’m the only one talking in my head), but I know it’s what I’ve gotten used to.
I’m coming up on three years of posting various rambles here on TurtleSloth. Over the weekend, my credit card was charged for the auto renew of the next three years. I’m not sure I can think that far ahead… then again, I wouldn’t have guessed that I’d have stuck with this for as long as I have. To celebrate, I’m considering changing the format and the theme. I’m also considering adding a new feature/heading that would be along the lines of a daily observation.
I have a friend/former colleague who is a photographer. For years, she has taken a daily self-portrait. I’ve liked some of her photos and I’ve really admired the perseverance. It’s so easy to take a cheat day. I recently discovered a writer in this area named Dave Bonta. The name was familiar – I’m pretty sure he was doing his writing thing back when I was a student here. Dave has been popping up in my Twitter feed of writers. He has a blog and several web projects. In his bio, he emphasizes practice over chasing inspiration – something a former professor of mine would preach and I would ignore. On his site, The Morning Porch, Mr. Bonta chronicles his daily observations from his porch. He’s been doing this for over a decade. He limits his observations to 140 characters (a Twitter thing) which forces him to focus on keeping things tight. I like the idea for both the practice and the discipline (in the various senses of those words). I’m going to have to spend more time nosing around Mr. Bonta’s hollow – the few things I’ve read are sentiments and thoughts that have, at times, plagued my own thinking about creativity, practice, inspiration, and purpose.
As I’ve contemplated adding a feature similar to morning porch or my friend’s daily self-portrait, I’ve already found myself in negotiations for those times that I “can’t” follow through. What rules will I set up and how strict will I be in my adherence to them? Will I limit myself to a specific subject (what I see and hear in the morning)? a specific time of day (morning, lunch, just before bed)? Is this a first thought, best thought type of practice? Should it be done before any other thoughts get to interfere? What about character counts or word counts? And most importantly, what happens when/if I break fidelity? I know how bad I’ve been with exercising every day or writing every day – what makes me think I can pull this off? I can imagine that hectic travel day when nothing goes right and I just forget – do I cut myself some slack? I have a few days to think this through – the TurtleSloth birthday isn’t until September 17.
Sadly, I was thinking of starting this new daily routine a few days early and in private – a little warm-up or practice before I take it live…. and already, it’s about that time: feed dog, shower, walk dog, go to work. But here goes. The rules, for now are 52 words.
Tree black silhouettes haunt the morning fog. Day arrives slowly and I feel too hurried to see – my own fog, my own morning. A plane leaves the small airport just outside of town ripping the air, up and to my right. I don’t play chess but I know when I’m in zugzwang.