With the lights out, the cell phone turned upside-down on the night stand, and my eyes not yet closed, I felt this strange yearning for guidance… it was somewhere between wanting to pray (something I don’t do) and a quiet call into the void. I picked up the phone and typed: Dear god…. In writing it out, I wanted to capture the rational absurdity as it played out in my mind. I narrated a bit of the conversation, one in which an all-knowing entity would have already been privy to my desires. In this conversation, I acknowledged, that I don’t do this or know how to do this, but guess that I’m supposed to ask for good things for other people: “god bless my mother and my father and Aunt Wanda June, and even that mean old lady, Ms. Craighton, who lives down the street.” I suppose I’m supposed to ask for good things for the world (an end to suffering and a livable planet)… after which, I think I’m allowed to ask for something small for myself: “and if you could, please heal my goldfish Timmy’s fin – he sure swims a little funny and I’d like him to get better.”
I’m not a religious person. I don’t pray… I’m not sure I believe in prayer. I’m also not arrogant enough to claim any knowledge of the world beyond myself – which is to say I can’t rule out the power of prayer. I just don’t think it’s for me. This morning, having finished my waffles and reflecting on last night’s inexplicable tug to converse with the cosmos, I’m beginning to think about the practice of gratitude as a form of prayer. I sometimes think I might do well to spend a few moments each night before bed thinking about (or writing about) a few things for which I am thankful. What went well today? Who do I miss? How could I be better tomorrow? I’ve read that this type of practice can change a person’s perspective. I’m curious about it, not so much as a way to change my perspective, but because I’m always wondering what I might do to be kinder, slower, and softer in the world. This feels like it could be a good antidote to cynicism and the everyday criticism or dissatisfaction that keeps many of us up at night. It also struck me how this type of practice seems similar to prayer – similar to little Johnny or Susie kneeling down by their bedside in the 50s TV show in their black and white jammies, hands together asking the lord to look after their family and bless everything including the farm and the dog.
This isn’t the first time I’ve considered cultivating a habit of gratitude (or deeper thoughtfulness). It’s also not the first time that I’ve thought about how I might send good thoughts for other people out into the world. I remember a time not too long ago when I would spend a few minutes before bed thinking of people who were fully or tangentially in my life. It was like a little prayer – in my head I would say their name followed by something pedantic like “I hope they’re doing well.” The practice (which I don’t think I kept up for more than a few weeks) was less about wishing the person well and more about trying to hold them in my thoughts for a brief moment.
While I’ve flirted with the concept, I don’t have many rituals in my life. There was a time when I read one random obituary every day. I did this for at least a year, maybe two or three. My goal was to briefly understand a snapshot of another human – someone who had a family or friends or people who cared. I was fascinated by this small attempt to encapsulate another person’s essence into a few words (which of course is impossible). For the better part of August and September back in 2019, I practiced painting an enso circle every day. It was my small meditation on clearing the mind and letting the body create a simple and imperfect circle. I’ve had multiple attempts to write every day… and I guess exercise too. I fail at establishing habits quite often. Sometimes it’s because I’m fighting the rigidity of habit (it seems boring or too restrictive), but more often than not, I just lack the consistency and discipline. I could easily make a routine of doing x push-ups and sit-ups every day, or writing down a few things for which I am grateful…. but if it was so easy, why don’t I?
Last night, I slept better than I do most nights. I only woke up once (the dreaded 3:30 am wake up), but fell back asleep until my alarm went off. I felt fairly rested this morning. I wonder if it had anything to do with this small unburdening of the soul, a brief (and at times cynical) conversation with the cosmos. No, I didn’t wake to a new stash of riches or a new life partner or any sense of direction in life (not that those were the things I was asking for) but I do have this sense that maybe I should get back into the habit of getting into some habits: gratitude or prayer, thoughtfulness and centering my thoughts on others, clearing the mind. At the very least, it’s something to think about – then again, what isn’t?