It’s New Year’s Eve. The sun has been trying to break through for most of the day – a day that started off gray, damp, and foggy and is now only partly gray and damp (and that’s just my mood… say nothing of the weather). The dog has been following me around from room to room looking for excitement. Little does he know, there’s a Kimbrough dance party scheduled for later tonight. My friends back home are getting together tonight. I would have liked to have gone, but between getting a dog sitter and the long drive – I had to pass.
On these holidays when I’m alone, I make it a point to treat myself. Tomorrow, I’ll make brioche french toast with strawberries and have a mimosa for breakfast and cook pork and sauerkraut in the crock pot. This morning I had a simple breakfast of brioche toast (I bought a loaf) with butter and jam – it felt decadent in its simplicity. I then sat and read and wrote for a few hours. I don’t usually give myself that type of time to get lost in something. As I was reading, I discovered the poetry of Jane Kenyon. I’ve been reading The Old Life by Donald Hall, Kenyon’s Husband, and I wanted to see what her writing was about. Hall speaks lovingly about Jane – and I far prefer those stanzas / sections to his ones about his college days and professorial escapades and what sometimes feels like ivory-tower name dropping. Kenyon, from the few poems I’ve read, does none of that. She seems, somehow, softer and more humble. In my sense of the two writers, her writing has more images, more emotion, and is at times less narrative. I’m really enjoying her poems, enough so that I’m going to wander down to the bookstore today to see if they have any of her books.
If my earlier post was about languishing, these are some of the things I try to do to “snap out of it” — read, write, treat myself, and spend my time deliberately. I’m hoping to get a little better at that being deliberate thing – I suppose that’s one of my resolutions. Despite being pretty opposed to “resolutions” (I believe change happens incrementally) I’ve been thinking of resolutions none-the-less. Last year, I wrote about being in the moment and gave consideration to the Roman god Janus – a two-faced deity always looking forward and backward at the same time. Re-reading it, I think it was one of my better posts on here and while not framed as a resolution, I continue to try to live between past, present, and future and continue to try to “let go” of expectations and outcomes. I’ll also be looking for a new book or two on Buddhism at the store today.
All of that said, I have a few resolutions that I feel I need to make (Buddhism be damned).
First, I need to be a bit healthier. Five or so years ago, I was probably at my heaviest weight. While I didn’t set out to lose weight, I got into running and dropped 30-40 pounds in the span of a few months (yes, I had extra pounds to drop). For the most part, I had managed to keep that weight off. This past year, and these past few weeks in particular, I’ve probably put on half of what I had lost. I sleep poorly and often feel like crap. I need to eat better, exercise more, and drink less. The other day, for shits and giggles, I downloaded all of my expenses for the year… I spend way too much money on going out and on beer and wine. That’s the subject for a different post about the hidden costs (emotional, financial, and health) of living alone.
I’m also determined to get published this year. Getting published has never really been a goal of mine. I have a lot of days when I ask myself why I even bother (with the blog, with poetry, with all the little lines and notes I write to myself). Discovering a new to me writer this morning was a good reminder of why I do it. Reading Kenyon, or Dunn, or Hass, or any of the poets I enjoy is like finding a piece of myself. In a weird way, reading an enjoyable poem or poet is like being in a relationship – it challenges me and both reaffirms and builds on the way I see the world. In my best relationships, there are moments when time slows and I find myself at a loss for words – simply saying yeah, this feels right. For me, a good poem (or story or line) – makes me pause and reflect and just kinda say yeah. Getting published would allow me to share that same type of gift with whoever reads it – maybe other people could have yeah moments (assuming I can provide them).
The calendar may change, but I don’t expect tomorrow to be a whole lot different than today was… which is why I started working on these things a few days (or weeks) ago. I expect lots of false starts along with some wins and losses and another year in which the only guarantee is that time will pass and if I’m lucky, I’ll have some say in how it’s spent.