Today, I’m getting together with extended family. I haven’t seen many of them since Christmas of 2018. There was a wedding in 2019 that I skipped. My engagement had just ended, and I couldn’t imagine attending, much less being happy. Then I moved to Memphis. Then the pandemic hit. I’d be lying if I said going today wasn’t stirring up some ghosts from the last time I went – which was when the extended family met the girlfriend. I have pictures that I don’t look at but can still remember – a gray t-shirt with a bear and the words I’m a hugger. When we were together, I looked forward to the many “firsts” – the first Christmas, the first, family gathering, the first, the first, the first. Apart, you end up doing that sad march in reverse, the first Christmas apart, the first trip apart…. And while those firsts become less of a gut punch with time, they still linger any time one comes up. And so, over two years later, it’s the first time with the family since…. There will be other firsts, more positive firsts, but until then there’s always a sense of something missing, and empty spot at the table.
That is only some of my trepidation about going today (which is a minor trepidation). My other pause is that a family gathering during a pandemic feels irresponsible. So does going to the bar on Friday or Saturday night or being in crowded spaces. I don’t want any of these people, my family, to get sick (not that I want the strangers at the bar to get sick). I don’t want any of us to be carrying something, perhaps undetected, that gets someone else sick. I have a few family members who have health conditions. I’m old, and by definition, the aunts and uncles are all older. I’m not sure they’d do well with a breakthrough case. And, like almost everyone else in the world, I’m tired of feeling this slight nervousness or guilt or sense of irresponsibility for doing what was normal just a few years ago.
While I have this slight nagging guilt, this finger-wagging voice saying “if we all just did out part…” I’m surprised by how much the group-think or group-behavior influences my own thoughts. I’d be more willing to forego doing these things, I’d be more willing to go back into some type of lock-down if I thought other people would do it and if I thought it would make a difference. Any sacrifice people are making now seems like a half-measure, and that’s not how we prevent the spread of the virus. Being “good” 85% of the time isn’t terribly helpful because each encounter is its own unique experience. Sure, your odds are slightly better when you take precautions more often than not, but we’re still all playing a bit of Russian roulette. The only way to 100% ensure surviving that game is to not play.
I’ve been fortunate to not lose anyone to COVID (knock on wood). And I think, like a lot of people, I’ve been learning to deal with this ever-present sense of dread…. Things are getting worse, numbers are going in the wrong direction, hospitals are being overwhelmed, here we go again, and I’m tired. And for those of us who hunkered down during the worst of it, for those of us who got vaccinated and boostered, I think there’s also a sense of frustration in that we’ve been trying to play by the rules and the rules (perhaps understandably) keep changing. I think many of us are at that point in the group project where were tired of doing the work and are willing to take the F or whatever grade comes our way. I don’t want any of us to fail this class. I know some of us will.