I like sitting and doing nothing. I’ve had a mental theme running through my head for the better part of the morning: “a world of little urgency / a world of lesser urgency” Even though it’s early August, the weather is downright autumnal. It’s in the low 50s and the sun is shining. I have one of those rare days where I’ll be heading into the office a little later than usual (staying later too). I’m tired – have been for days. After the dog walk, I wanted to either go back to sleep or throw a hoodie on and sit in the sun drinking coffee. I was also nagging myself to go for a run. My body wanted nothing to do with the run – I chose sitting in the sun.
Squinting in the morning light with a slight breeze and dew on everything, I thought of quiet mornings at the shore and the sound of gulls overhead. For some reason, I also thought briefly of Philly and my old house in Yardley. Maybe because I haven’t really spent a full fall season in the same place for nearly two years – the last time was when I lived in Philly/Yardley. Something about this morning reminds me of everywhere but here. And even though it only feels like fall weather, it’s ushered in that sense of reflection that comes with the change in seasons.
I feel slower now than I did a few years ago. I used to get up at 5, drive home from Philly and then exercise and head in to work. There was a time in my life when I was on the 5:50 am train to New York every morning. Both of those things seem unfathomable to me now. As I contemplated exercising, I was convincing myself that it’s just a matter of training my mind and body to function like that again – early riser gettin’ shit done. But sitting in the sun doing nothing has made productivity feel criminal – as though mornings aren’t meant for busy-ness.
I did my best to ignore the clock and the buzzing of emails on my phone. It was still early. I felt guilty for not having showered by 8:00 – I also felt like a slave to time, unwittingly checking the clock. In the last two days I’ve received one email apologizing for a delay in getting back to me (they were taking mandatory vacation time) and one email from someone I know is on vacation. I hate that this is the expectation – that we’re connected and available all the time. I’d like to have more people standing in solidarity for our free time: hold off on the emails at 9 at night or 5:30 in the morning, take vacations unapologetically…. Sit in the sun and let your mind wander, enjoy some reverie instead of beating yourself up over what you “should” be doing.
That was a few days ago (maybe last Monday or Tuesday – the days all start to blend). I had another paragraph about an ex and how her work nudged into our nights and weekends but deleted it. It was actually more about whether or not I push my world-view too strongly… probably – though I suspect we both wanted the same type of quiet.
Continuing the theme from earlier in the week, I spent this weekend doing lots of nothing with a whole bunch of little somethings mixed in. Both mornings I made time to sit outside with coffee, thoughts, books, and a notepad. I got around to exercising each day – running a few miles here and there, lifting, walking. I went out for drinks where I met Vish (short for Vishnu). Nice guy – we talked about beer. I went to a farmers’ market, and also walked into town, bought some books, had coffee, sat at a patio bar and read. I spent all day today, Sunday, smoking two small pork shoulders that I bought at the farmers’ market. I read from one of my new books (fantastic) and worked on a new poem. I also did lots of chores (laundry, dog bath, vacuum, etc.).
If I haven’t been writing much here, it’s because I think I’m trying to shift my focus to something more artistic. I have snippets of a few new poems that are in the works, and I can feel myself getting ready to submit for publication (errr, ummm, rejection). I’m still working on carving out enough time to write every day (more than the snippets), but jotting things down is at least a start. I’m still working on training the dog – he gets better each week. I’m still working on cutting down my screen time – this weekend was a bit of a win. I’m still defining and redefining what it means to live a good, full, and rich life – forever a work in progress. Good food (farmers’ market), good beer, quiet mornings with coffee and sun and the sound of birds, a few good words from writers I haven’t read, a few nights standing under the open sky and stars…. These feel like the things worth attending to. These feel like the things that are larger than everyday pettiness. These feel like the things that we could all use a little more of.