Throwing stuff away, cleaning the table, deleting spam emails. This is me wanting to sit down and be productive (write) but putting it off. I’d love to say that it’s about trying to make space or clear out… but it feels more like it’s about tackling some easy things instead of the thing staring me in the face – a blank screen.
This has been the situation for the past few days, and on and off for the past few weeks. I’ve sat down to write and I do everything but write. I pick up a sudoku puzzle, I scroll Twitter and Facebook, I read the news, I move things around. The lack of production is usually followed by some guilt – both over the not writing, but also over the other things I didn’t do because I was trying to get in the zone. I have some freelance offers, I need to get a dog sitter, I’ve been meaning to send some poems out for publication. Even now, as I’m bullshitting my way through a nonsense blog post about not being able to write, I’m looking at the grocery store circular and I’m tempted to get up and throw it away – I’m looking at the clock (6:23 am), and thinking about when to feed the dog, get a shower, and go for a walk, get out the door and go to work.
Last night, looking for inspiration, I poured some wine, turned the music off and sat down with a book of poetry. I read two or three poems and none of them did anything for me. I went to an online poetry site and read a dozen or so poems – all from authors I’ve never encountered… still nothing. April is national poetry month. Last year, I set a goal of writing a handful of new poems and submitting to at least 3 or 4 journals. I’d like to do the same this year, but I’m in such a different space. I’m not sure how realistic a goal like that would be.
The phone alerts are starting… a microsoft email, the morning update from the Times. Looking out the sliding door, the sky is painted with those amazing gradations – the first blush of peach at the horizon fades to a papery white to lighter blues then deeper blues – everything rising. A jay is squaking, the neighbors kitchen light has come on. I’m almost done my second cup of coffee. This feels like a failure, but maybe it’s a first step. Maybe a nonsense post is the equivalent of clearing off the table – work papers, paint supplies, junk mail, the mundane parts of an ordinary day. Perhaps after the garbage is cleared I’ll have something more to say.