It’s cool and rainy here in Memphis. It’s the type of day that pairs well with soup or chili or cookies (or perhaps all three). When we had a similar day last week I channeled my inner Martha Stewart by making a batch of oatmeal raisin cookies. I’ve been on a steady cookie diet for a few days now. I’ve taken a few days off from writing (not without guilt) to once again reconsider the value and purpose of the practice. Instead of sitting at my computer blathering about the weather, the sunsets, the state of public affairs, the event that triggered a distant memory, the empty streets of Memphis, my friend’s dating issues, or the string of disjointed ideas and feelings I’ve been meaning to write about, I’ve used that time to go to a few outdoor live shows, walk in some parks, have dinner and drinks, and spend time with my friend Stacy. Last night, alone in my apartment and with a little more time on my hands, I found myself at a loss on how to spend that time. This, it seems, is the downside of getting out of practice (with writing, exercise, painting, reading, etc.). I maintain certain routines because, well… they help me maintain balance. In a few different blog posts, I’ve written about the benefits of cultivating alone time and solo activities and interests. Last night, and for a few weeks now, I felt like all of that cultivation has been somewhat, if not wildly, ineffective. I don’t know if I was overwhelmed by choice or just not in the mood to start anything, but I found myself not writing, not really reading, and just passing the time by scrolling through news. This is not how I prefer to spend my time, but it’s so so so easy to default to this.
I’m in a unique and fortunate place where, for a short while, I can live in a furnished house without a mortgage or rent or other financial burden. It’s an interesting juxtaposition to the book I’m reading Evicted – which is about a number of people who are far less fortunate than I am. Staying in this house will allow me to recoup some of the losses related to being unemployed these past few months. Staying long enough will allow me to “get ahead” – whatever that means. I’ve been trying to figure out what that means for me. I been looking into investments – trying to figure out how to use the money I would normally use to buy a new house to invest and “put my money to work for me.” Ethically, I’m not a fan of investing – too many companies don’t pay workers fair wages, pollute the environment, or just behave poorly. Stocks go up when layoffs are announced and I don’t really want to perpetuate that type of a system. I’ve spent some of my free time these past few days researching different investment strategies. I haven’t come up with much – at least nothing that will meet all of my goals: become a gazillionaire in two years, and only do it in the most ethical way, and also pay back to the community – I seriously don’t think that’s asking too much. I also read a few articles on how much someone my age should have saved for retirement… those were disappointing reads. One article said someone my age should have about three times their salary saved up. Another article said eight times their annual expenses (and then gave the example of someone whose expenses are $70k – yikes). That article published a chart in which they labelled the 40s and 50s as mid-life crisis, rediscovery, and crunch time… Having switched careers a few times and having worked in fields that aren’t known for their salaries (publishing, teaching, and nonprofits) I haven’t exactly built up a robust nest egg. Thankfully, I keep pretty modest expectations.
For all of those reasons, it seems both smart and financially prudent to move into the house I’m moving into, eliminate as many expenses as possible, and save. Yet in some of this down time these past few days, I found myself on Zillow looking at houses that need a little work but might be nice places to live. Or I found myself trying to figure out what it would take to build passive income through a rental property. I keep asking myself, what is it about ownership that is so enticing? In some cases, there are properties that would have a really low mortgage… and I’m saying to myself what a great deal that would be. In those instances, I keep comparing it to my previous mortgage or my current rent – when I should be comparing it to having no mortgage or no rent. On a logical level – I know all of this. But on an emotional level, I’m still drawn to looking for the “bargain.” Is it as simple as that? There are lots of people who love to shop and get a good deal on clothing, household goods, furniture, etc. I don’t usually fall in to that category – except when it comes to real estate – then I like the idea of getting a good deal, putting in some work, building something of value.
I also know that pride and a sense of freedom factor in to wanting to own. I’ve tried to live an independent life – one in which I don’t take much from other people. Living rent/mortgage free goes against my nature (I think it goes against most people’s nature). In our society, self-sufficiency is point of pride (and not being self-sufficient is a point of shame). I’m trying to get over the pride/shame factor and think a little more long-term. There is also a sense of freedom that comes with ownership. when you own, you can paint the walls and fence the yard and do fire pits in the fall. I’m not sure I’d feel comfortable doing any of those things in a place that isn’t mine…
Finally, I’m also recognizing the psychology of scarcity that factors in to my desires to own. Rates are low but may not stay that way. Housing costs could go up. Neighborhoods and towns become hot. The house you want today, might get bought by someone else tomorrow. It’s strange to feel a sense of urgency to such a big decision – especially since the urgency is somewhat manufactured (maybe that’s part of the midlife crisis thinking – because I have less of it, time has become more valuable).
I suspect, more than anything, wanting to own, wanting to get a few things taken care of, is primarily about control. Most of our basic emotional needs are about feeling valued and feeling as though we have some control over our life our moment and our direction. Crossing things off of the to do list feels good because it feels like we’ve accomplished something – we’ve taken control of one small part of life. As I prepare to move, I’m making to do lists and trying to cross things off. It’s not always easy. Try to spend money by signing up for a service, and you can do it in a few clicks of a button. Try to cancel that service, and you’ll find yourself scouring the FAQ section, clicking through change service links (that never list cancel as an option) and chatting with a bot that will eventually tell you that you can’t cancel online, please call the 1-800 number listed below. Today, in a true-to-form grumpy old man moment, I completed the post chat survey by saying I was dissatisfied with my results and asking (into the chat bot void) why is it so easy to sign up for service and so hard to cancel? This was the moment that I realized I’ve become that guy… the one who would rather shake his fist and spend the 2 minutes to register a meaningless (and unacknowledged) complaint than just move on to the next thing and make the dumb phone call to cancel. This too is about control. Pile up enough of these mild setbacks and indignations and it’s easy to see why people make bad decisions like buying things they can’t afford or opting for immediate gratification over long-term gains – at least the bad decisions can be fully owned and make one feel a little more in control.
It’s still a cool, gray day here in Memphis. It’s a good day to make lists and check things off. It’s also a good day for a little reflection on motivation and psychology… a good day to think about the limitations of time and personal agency. If I’m being honest with myself, I think the slow-down in writing is partially due to the personal changes on the horizon. I’m moving and starting a new job and thinking about all that those things entail. I’m looking around my apartment and thinking about the cost of ownership and replacement for the things I own. I’m thinking about how to enjoy a bit more financial security or get ahead or help others…. and just as I was writing this my friend and I were texting and I pointed out that our President wrote-off $70,000 in haircuts. If he got his hair cut once a week, he’s still paying over $1,300 per haircut. I can’t wrap my head around that type of inequity. I’m reading about people being evicted because they’re $100 short on the rent. I’m debating where I should live and how I should make prudent decisions about which moving van to rent while he spends more than what most people earn in a year on haircuts and deducts the cost from his taxes…. sigh.
Time for more cookies.