“You’ve had more titles at your United Way than we have positions.” This was a comment made to me by a nonprofit board member during a recent job interview. I’m interviewing to be the CEO of a small nonprofit in a semi-rural community not too far from State College, PA. Job or no job, as a way to save on housing costs, I’m scheduled to move to my family’s house in State College in a few weeks. I’ve had very mixed feelings about the move. I have mixed feelings about the job too – when you have a number of different options, it’s hard to know which is the best fit. For a number of years, I thought central Pennsylvania would be a nice place to live (I don’t doubt that it is). It seems like a quiet place – a good place to raise a family. There are rolling hills, and parks, and streams. Some of the towns feel like small town America. Being a college town, State College has a little bit of bustle… But I’ve come to view it a little like the way I view Beale St. here in Memphis – it’s great if you want to find a bar or bar hop, but the novelty of it wears off pretty quickly. I can’t imagine waiting in line with dozens of college students trying to get in to a bar. And while I appreciate quiet and slow – I seem to gravitate towards the extremes. I either want the activity of a city or the quiet of a remote house in the woods. The suburbs feel like they offer me neither. They feel like they are best suited for families in minivans, soccer Saturdays, and PTO meetings. I’m not sure it’s the type of place I need or want right now.
I’ve been asked to come in for the next round of interviews at this job. After the first round, I tend to give the job deep consideration. This is when I start to envision myself living and working in the community. I’m struggling with that right now. This move, and this potential job have me taking a hard look at what I want out of life. It also has me taking a hard look at where I am in life – mid-forties and single. I think if I were younger, I could easily say to myself, “take the job, give it a few years, you’ll save lots of money, you’ll have had a top leadership role, be open to it working out, and if it’s not what you want, move on in a few years.” And it’s true, I would save a lot of money, and I would be in the position to head up a larger nonprofit or make my way back in to the for-profit sector. But the truth is, money and position don’t mean very much to me and I’m not entirely convinced that they improve quality of life all that much. As I’ve gotten older, the “few years” takes on a different meaning and things like fulfillment have become more important. I never could do the “stepping stone” approach to jobs – for me they should all be long-term prospects.
I’ve mentioned elsewhere on this blog that a few years ago I was hiking in the Smoky Mountains when I had the epiphany that, for me, life is meant to be shared. I came to the conclusion that anything I might do alone would be better with a co-pilot. I don’t mean to diminish the solo experience – the hike was beautiful and fulfilling, but I wanted to share it. When I met the woman I thought was “my person,” I only became more convinced this was the way to approach a good life. With her, what we did mattered far less than the fact that we were doing it together. During the brief time we were together, the future seemed full of endless possibilities. It didn’t matter what job I was doing or where I lived. Now, as a single person – those two things, job and location, take on greater importance. And with each passing year, I feel a greater sense of urgency to define, and pursue, the life I want as opposed to positioning myself for better jobs and higher pay.
This bit of internal struggle pits prudent behavior and gratitude against desire and agency. I should probably be thankful to have the opportunity to interview and should probably see it as a gift to possibly “get ahead.” I do see those things – I’m not entirely ungrateful. At the same time, I worry about my ability to fit in and find fulfillment in the other areas of life – this happens with any move to the unknown. I think to some degree, when looking to make these types of moves (especially solo), one looks for what will feel like their tribe. I’m still figuring out what my tribe looks like – I thought I had found a key member when I got engaged. A few weeks ago I met a guy here named Terry. We talked about Vonnegut and tattoos and books and spirituality. Today I passed him in the grocery store. We said hello, he said he thought I had moved out of town. His remembering who I was and our conversation made me feel a little at home here. I take walks and see a lot of the same people every day – we wave hello. I have a bar or two that feel like my bars to go to. I can probably get all of these things in State College…. but I also know that if I have to get in the car to go find them and pay for parking etc. etc. I’m less inclined to go out and do it.
Part of me is fighting all of it. To fight the fighting, I’m trying to turn to a more zen approach, which is to let go and just accept what comes my way. I’m a man of modest means and even more modest ambitions. Title and money alone will probably not provide the life fulfillment I seek – especially if it limits my time to travel or write or exercise, etc. Fortunately, the job is one I believe deeply in.
This weekend my friend Stacy and I are planning a short trip down to Clarksdale, Mississippi. It’s the famed location of the crossroads where legendary bluesman Robert Johnson sold his soul to the devil in exchange for his musical talents. It marks the spot for the famous song crossroads (and the movie as well). Perhaps the song is about this otherworldly exchange with Satan, though it’s literal interpretation is more about a hitchhiker asking the lord to help him find a ride before the sun goes down. The concept, crossroads, has elements of a fork in the road or the road less traveled, and elements of seeking some sort of guidance in order to make a decision. That’s not why we’re going – it’s more because I had planned to go ever since I came to Memphis. I might not be opposed to getting a little guidance along the way.