Soft blue sky
Helium balloons float up away
Broad daylight
But we’re sunflowers in the rain
Those are some lines from the song “Helium.” The song begins with a mutual break-up and the the lines 9:09 / You gonna call it or am I? I’m still listening to the new Glass Animals album on constant repeat. Apparently, it hit number one on Billboard. Eventually, it will fade and other songs and artists will re-emerge in my playlists. It can be a little like falling in love – all consuming for a bit until either you’re sick of it, or it takes its rightful place in life.
Things have been quiet here in Memphis. The weather has been fantastic. The sunsets have been fantastic as well. This past week I received notice that I have qualified for unemployment in Pennsylvania – the money will help. I’m considering appealing the start date. They’re dating it back to July when I applied, but I initially applied here in Tennessee in April – I can’t be faulted for applying in the state where I last worked or for the fact that it took Tennessee 3 months to tell me I’m not eligible but I’m probably eligible in PA. I wouldn’t normally submit an appeal. I’d take what I can get and be happy with it. But I’m a little tired of being the type who has to apply gratitude for my losses. I get tired of the narrative “be thankful you got something.” That logic is never applied to the capitalists who are always striving for more. And in other bureaucratic news, I got my driver’s license in the mail. I now have a real id and can board a plane – not that I plan on boarding a plane anytime soon.
For much of the day yesterday, my cat Nick was under the weather. He woke me up by running around the house, walking over top of me, and howling like a nut. But when I got up to feed him, he had no interest. He spent most of the day hiding, occasionally throwing-up, and trying to poo. He gets constipated from time to time. I don’t think he drinks enough water. I hated seeing him so out of sorts. I spent most of the day following him around and checking on him. I was hesitant to go out. I was worried about what I’d come back to. Later last night, things seem to have gotten back to normal for him. This morning he woke me up and has been hungry all day. I am acutely aware of how much this dumb cat means to me and that if I’m lucky, I’ll have him a couple more years.
… After typing that last sentence. I checked my phone and sent a text to someone I had recently met online. We only started texting in the last day or so. She wanted to do a video chat today – so we did. She was going to be picking up a cake and cooking a nice dinner for her kids – my text was to say I hope dinner goes well. The text showed up as a green bubble. iPhone users are familiar with the green bubble – it means the text went through as a regular message and not an imesaage. If the other person is on Android, it’s always a green bubble. If they’re on an iPhone, it happens when their phone is off, or the message can’t get through, or if you’ve been blocked. She’s an iPhone user – up until this one, all of the messages have been blue bubbles… it seemed strange, so I checked the app we met on. We were no longer connected. I thought our conversation went fine – nothing exciting, nothing offensive. I don’t think there was any real connection, but I didn’t expect her to block me. I said this the other day, I don’t think I’ll ever understand the whole ghosting thing. It’s a little like ducking out of a date without telling the person you’re leaving. It seems like such an immature way to handle things. Even if you’re the type who doesn’t want to waste time on things that won’t work, there are more graceful ways to bow out. This is what makes online dating even more awful than it already is. Rejection is always a part of it, but it’s the lack of consideration and decency that I find most astounding. It seems odd for people in their 40s to behave a little like catty teens. I’m trying to fill my life with more grace and connection – there isn’t much of it in the online dating world.
And this is really petty… but I suddenly hoped that my ex-fiancee has dealt with or is dealing with similar bullshit. I found myself thinking, “I hope she comes across as many inconsiderate people as I have.” Of course what I’m really saying is I hope she realizes how much online dating sucks and that maybe she had a good thing. I’m not proud to admit those thoughts, but they’re there. I know anytime I come across a dud, I feel sad that a real connection slipped away.
I’m not sure being ghosted would have bugged me as much a few years ago. Now, it just seems to add to the overall disappointment I feel with the world at large. And this is where I need to be careful. I’ve met “those” people who seem like perpetual victims. I’d like to avoid seeing the world that way. I should probably go out an catch another sunset as a way to restore balance.