Today was a mild embarrassment of a day. By that I mean I have very little to show for my efforts. The day fell in to three distinct areas of focus: freelance work, exercise, evening contemplation. If there was a constant, it was Nick the cat’s need for attention and desire for food. Every time I went in to the kitchen he thought it was time to eat – even after he ate. I should probably check around the apartment for puke – I can’t explain why he’s so ravenous.
Freelance Work
I don’t have any lined up. I’m not even getting some of the volunteer gigs I’m applying for. Nevertheless, I spent most of my day working on placing a few listings on a freelance writer site and working on some files to build a portfolio for myself. It’s occurred to me that if people search my name – they’ll get my LinkedIn profile, a link or two to this site, a lot of links to the book I edited on the right to a living wage, and a few articles about my work at United Way. I’m less than thrilled about the idea of building my own brand, but if I want to pick up some gigs in the failing and overcrowded gig economy, I’m gonna need a digital home for the work I’ve done.
I signed up for an account on Fiverr. It and UpWork are two of the places freelance writers seem to post profiles and offer to do things like write About pages and content for blogs and websites. It took me most of the morning to get my account set up – which included taking an editing test. I did well, only got one wrong…. but to go all Chris Wallace on myself, it wasn’t that hard of a test (the grammatical equivalent of point to an elephant and saying it’s an elephant). I looked at other profiles to scope out the competition. It seems like most of the profiles offer really cheap prices, but the quality ones seem to know their worth. I went in the direction of customized account service for a fair price. As I looked at some of the profiles, I thought there was no way they were getting as many jobs as their profile was showing. One profile clearly didn’t have command of the English language (some of their customer reviews pointed out they had to heavily edit the person’s submissions). That’s when it occurred to me that some of the writers might be gaming the system. As best as I can tell, the site has a $2 surcharge when someone hires a freelancer. In theory, I could create a number of dummy accounts, hire myself out, pay myself, and all I’d be out is the $2 surcharge. 100 positive reviews for yourself would cost you 200 bucks and might get you towards the front of the line in terms of getting noticed. I suspect that’s what some of these writers are doing.
The whole process (setting up the account) was a little disheartening and took more time than it should have. Now I have another online presence that will rot in some dusty corner of the internet. I tried to see if I could find my profile from the buyer’s point of view and I wasn’t in the top 10 pages of results… so I doubt I’ll be getting much business through this channel. The site suggests leveraging your social media contacts from places like LinkedIn. If I was going to do that I’d just as soon ask them directly if they have freelance work.
I also spent some time trying to figure out what type of website I’d like to set up and what I should have on it. I’ve noticed that some of the jobs I’ve applied for ask for portfolio samples or links to a website/portfolio. the closest thing I have is my LinkedIn account. I don’t know how important it is to have this in place. It feels a little like a chicken and egg type of situation. If I got some jobs, then I’d be inclined to solicit endorsements and reviews, but I might need the endorsements in order to get jobs.
I spent most of my day working on these two things. I suspect my time might have been better spent looking for an actual job…
Exercise
I didn’t want to do it. It was raining when I got up this morning so I didn’t go for a long walk (instead I worked on the above garbage). by 4 o’clock I hadn’t showered and had barely moved around other than to go from the sofa to table or back again. I thought about the prospect of skipping all physical activity, but buckled down and lifted. I was still distracted by the freelance writing stuff. I started looking up my friend’s pet sitting business to see if I could do some free work in exchange for some screenshots and some positive reviews. I would look stuff up between sets and then forget how many sets I had done – it was not the most focused workout. I took a long walk after dinner and sat and watched the sunset over the Mississippi. I never expected to find this type of tranquility down here in Memphis.
Evening Contemplation
The walk and the sunset were definitely a main component of the evening. I also spent some time reading through a few old emails from 2017 and the woman I had dated (who recently reached out). She and her boyfriend have decided to work through things. I’m happy for her because I think she wants this to work. I went looking to see if I had her email address. I was thinking of ordering for her a copy of the Sue Johnson book, “Hold Me Tight.” In going through those old emails, I could see I was pretty smitten with her. We had a not so great break up. This is where I became embarrassed about my tendency to hold on to relationships and how I try to convince the other person that we’re worth working on – there were more than a few long emails to her along those lines. For the better part of a year, she and I had this back and forth dynamic. In the end, she said she wanted to love me but wasn’t capable of it – not then, not in that state. Some of the parallels between the conversations she and I had towards the end and some of the feelings I’ve had this past year are a little unsettling. It’s almost as if I fell for the same woman twice (warm, fun, funny, affectionate, comfortable to be around, but also afraid to open up and a tendency to push away – a desire to be in love that gets them swept up in the moment). And then there’s the timing. The last email I sent to her was June 16, 2017. A year later on June 16, I met my ex-fiancee.
As I walked home – still a little in awe of the sunset, I thought about this notion of holding on or holding on too long. The fact that it’s never worked makes me feel a little like a chump. Makes me wonder why I believe women when they say “I love you”? Then I counter with “what are the alternatives?” Not holding on and not believing means letting go And not committing myself – and then it’s just a matter of how soon do you let go? I want to believe there are things in this world that are worth fighting for and holding on to (my Buddhist inclinations are aghast). Every relationship has trials and tribulations. Then and there in the moment, someone, if not both people, has to decide that it’s worth holding on to. So what is the moment? Some trials / rough patches last hours, some last months, some last years. We can all be moved by the old couple reunited after decades apart… someone had to hold on. Nevertheless, I started to feel a little silly for the times I’ve held out hope. It reminds me of a poem by Stephen Dunn, “Each From Different Heights”
That time I thought I was in love
-From Between Angels
and calmly said so
was not much different from the time
I was truly in love
and slept poorly and spoke out loud
to the wall
and discovered the hidden genius
of my hands.
And the times I felt less in love,
less than someone,
were, to be honest, not so different
either.
Each was ridiculous in its own way
and each was tender, yes,
sometimes even the false is tender.
I am astounded
by the various kisses we’re capable of.
Each from different heights
diminished, which is simply the law.
And the big bruise
from the longer fall looked perfectly white
in a few years.
That astounded me most of all.
Something felt different this last time, but I suspect Dunn’s wisdom will hold true and that in a few years, the bruises will look perfectly white. To me, there’s a sadness in the diminishing. It feels like there should be things that stand out… that there might be exceptional kinds of love.
As I walked down Main Street not too far from my turn on to Union, I thought about the sunset; I thought about the times I’ve been in love; I though about Memphis; and I thought about my ex-fiancee. As much as I believe in being present and enjoying exactly where you are in the moment (find beauty where you are), it seems that there are places and people where things like love and beauty and success and wealth and kindness naturally congregate. There’s a gravitational pull to these people and places. There are places on earth that seem to have an unfair share of awe inspiring beauty – the banks of the Mississippi here in Memphis with its stunning sunsets probably got a little more than most places. It’s also how I felt about my ex-fiancee. With her, there was a radiance that was enjoyable to be around. I turned on to Union feeling fortunate to have had that type of beauty and love in my life. If you’re going to chase after things or hold on to things, these seem to be the things that are most worth it.