Apologies up front – this post has nothing to do with the musical box set or the amazingly cheesy commercial for the box set… “turn it up, man.”
I honestly have no idea where my day went today. I spent a lot of time this morning reading through old posts, thinking about having to move, and trying to determine if I want to send a rock back to my ex-fiancee. Admittedly, that last one is a weird one.
I’ve mentioned elsewhere on this blog that early in the relationship she and I were supposed to go to San Diego and she broke things off and went on her own. She texted from the airport and said she wished I was going with her. We texted and talked while she was away and I met her at the airport with a “best couple ever” sign. We were very loving towards each other and promised never to do that again. When she came back, she gave me a rock and said she tossed one in to the ocean to symbolize letting go of her past and kept one to give to me to symbolize our present and our future. It was a sweet and sincere gesture, and I don’t doubt that she meant it in the moment.
A month or two later, we had a disagreement over something or other. She was on the verge of ending things or had asked me to leave. I told her that I can’t be the one to always pull us back from the edge when she loses it and takes us to the brink. I asked how am I ever going to know that she really wants the future she says she wants if she threatens to take it away. Things calmed down and either that night or one shortly after she went upstairs to get something and when she came down, she gave me a small wooden box that had her mother’s engagement ring in it. We had talked about moving in together and getting engaged was a part of that. She said she wants me to hold on to the ring. It was a way of showing me that she was serious and committed to the idea of us for the long haul. She said if I planned on asking, she’d like it to be with her mother’s ring.
Having recently watched some short videos on true love and having read a few articles on the subject, I started thinking about these two big gestures of hers (the rock and the ring) and how they both followed fights in which things almost ended. What I’m really trying to do is get comfortable with the idea that while I felt true love, she might not have. Looking back, I suspect the gestures were done in an effort to convince me, but mostly convince herself, that this was the relationship she wanted.
I want to give the rock back – not because we didn’t work out, but because what it symbolized probably wasn’t being given freely, and if anyone needs the reminder that she’s moved on or moved through, it’s probably her. If you feel you have to show that you’re committed or ready to move forward, you’re probably more uncertain than you think. I gave her lots of little things and did lots of little things for her weekly if not daily – flowers, notes, little trips, poems, errands. It was never because I wanted to win her over or prove where I was. It was never out of fear of losing her. I did them because I couldn’t not do them. I loved finding ways to surprise her, ways to go above and beyond, and I thought about doing nice things for her all the time. I want to send the rock back and let her know that she shouldn’t ever have to prove (to herself or her partner) that she’s committed and ready. The real thing has this indescribable feeling of certainty – any doubts tend to be fleeting and don’t require proof.
Most of my morning was spent thinking that through. I skipped my walk and wrote a long email that I didn’t send. I probably won’t send it. I sometimes believe in the symbolic gesture, and I recognize theatrics as a way of convincing oneself… Sending it back undoubtedly involves some theatrics, some sentimentality, and some sincerity on my part. Sending it back is my way of saying to her, but mostly to myself, that I understand she always had her doubts. I’ve thought about throwing the rock in the Mississippi, or taking it back to San Diego – my own version of the bonfire in which the pictures get burned. But I’m not a picture burning type of guy. I used to tell women I dated that I generally didn’t block past relationships or delete them from my phone or social media because they still exist in this world, what we had existed. Destroying the evidence, while it may feel good in the moment, doesn’t change the past and seems like a disservice to the other person, myself, and whatever connection we had – it seems healthier to accept the past and find a way to carry it forward gracefully, or just let it fade away and shrink back to its rightful size. I don’t want to toss the rock because she gave this symbol its meaning, it rightfully belongs to her (much like her mother’s ring).
While I’m bummed that my morning got away from me the way it did, I’m happy with the “progress” I felt. In the non-sent email, I wrote (and am beginning to believe) that she was very much the right person for me, and as hard as it is to accept, I may not have been hers. Nothing that one-sided can survive. I hope that she realizes that blaming me is only a way of avoiding an uncomfortable truth. I hope she gets more comfortable with the idea that it might be as simple as she realized I wasn’t the one for her. It’s not a pleasant thing to admit that you walked pretty far down the wrong path or that you kept going because you hoped it would lead somewhere different or because you were afraid of hurting your co-pilot.
As I read this article the other day (Is It True Love), I found myself answering yes to everything. Suddenly, my anger over whatever claims she has made about me (being controlling or manipulative or whatever) – started to melt away. I started to realize that those claims are simply her version of the story – the things she needs to tell herself and others in order for it to make sense. Her way of saying she was mislead into going down the wrong path. Articles like this one remind me of what was in my heart and what my motivations and intentions were. Articles like this allow me to say I loved fully, unconditionally, messily and with lots of imperfections – in which case, it doesn’t really matter what gets said.
Oddly, feeling a little more at peace with this (which I know is a temporary feeling – it always is) allowed me to feel more at peace with some other things (job or moving). A state of letting go doesn’t come naturally to me. I suspect it’s hard for most people. There is a sense of freedom to giving in.
I tried to post this just after dinner and before an evening walk. My internet was being dumb and kicked me offline. I gave up and went for the walk. Part way through my walk, some of the freedom and lightness of being I had been feeling faded and some of the “mental arguing” returned. I felt myself walking back the “it doesn’t matter what gets said” sentiment. In therapy we learned to not make it personal. To use I statements… instead of saying you are… you say when you do x, I feel y. It allows for discussion and for two points of view and for both people to be wrong or right or have some middle ground. Instead of “you don’t trust me” it becomes, “when you text to see how I’m doing, I feel like you don’t trust me and are checking up on me.” In our case, instead of calling me controlling a more fair statement would be when I did x, she felt trapped… it forces ownership of half the action / reaction equation, it forces a need to be specific, it also allows for exploration and reflection… what other times have you felt trapped. I write this for my own good too. I’ve been just as guilty as not making the I statements, and learning to do that will be helpful in the future. When you go on hiking trips without me, I feel like you’re saying you have more fun without me. That’s me trying to be self-referential and funny.
It wasn’t the most productive day, but it was a thoughtful day and with it came a little bit of freedom and the lightness of a small rock.