I’ve been avoiding writing. As best as I can tell it’s for a few different reasons: I’ve been thinking a lot about what I’m going to do next (without a whole lot of options); I’ve been coming around to accepting that anger at my ex (as much as I want to believe it’s never the best way) is a natural part of the process and may be helpful; I’ve been trying to research a few different social ventures ways to combine business profits with social good; I’ve been trying to figure out a good / better living situation; I’ve been spending a good bit of time looking for jobs.
What to Do Next
My thinking seems to shift between being a hermit and focusing on writing; eventually taking a job in the nonprofit sector; just taking any old job; or finding a way to chart my own course. the first option isn’t really an option – I don’t see myself becoming a hermit and just writing all the time… as it is, I’m struggling to keep up with it every day. I suspect taking a job with a nonprofit is the most-likely scenario. It might take some time to find one. I’ve enjoyed some of the consulting work. It’s a little like being an aunt or a grandparent: you get to point out all of the problems, offer a few solutions, but at the end of the day, it’s not your kid to raise. I like the variety in helping several nonprofits think through their problems. That approach is also why I’d prefer to move to the CEO level – I saw a lot of problems at my last position, and was deemed not a good fit as I tried to find ways to fix them. Once or twice during my career, I’ve worked for some pretty incompetent leaders, and I’m honestly tired of working for people less imaginative and less skillful (though perhaps more qualified). This type of thinking is what makes me consider starting my own venture or being my own boss. But… funding is always an issue and it’s why I always shrink from the challenge. I also think about taking any old job, reducing my cost of living and just phoning it in for a bit to see if I have enough energy after work to pursue things I’d like to pursue. Again – not a ton of good options.
Giving Space to Anger
I wrote a post the other week about my ex-fiancee. I felt bad or harsh or unkind and hid it the next day. I don’t like our cultural tendency to publicly shame people, and I felt like I was motivated by wanting to shame her. I don’t like that she has said that she had to leave the state because I was controlling. It’s not the dig against me that bothers me – it’s the lie to herself and whoever else that bothers me. Because it allows her to live without accountability and to do the same thing to someone else – and that doesn’t seem right. I think she is a kind and warm and wonderful person – except on this one thing. If she’s the type of person who goes around hurting other people and then walks away without taking ownership, I have a serious problem with that. Which creates it’s own internal conflict for me. I like to see the best in other people – even some of the most abhorrent people, I try to see their behaviors as a manifestation of hurt. I’m not sure where or when I adopted this stance, but I know it took root as I became a teacher and as I worked in the nonprofit sector. I suddenly became a lot less interested in blaming the moment or action and became more interested in healing or addressing the root cause of the action. Kids act out in class because they’re bored, or they have a crappy life at home, or it’s the only way they know how to get attention, or or or… I struggle to believe that my ex wants to go around hurting other people. In fact I know she doesn’t want to do that. But in her argumentation when she gets called out for it, she can come off as pretty callous in defending her right to behave however she wishes. This makes me a little ticked, and instead of fighting that, I’m trying to allow that ticked feeling just to be a part of all of it.
Social Ventures
I’ve been thinking a lot about this notion of opportunity and how it’s a bit of a sham. All of the small businesses that have gone out of business because of bigger competitors like Amazon. I’ve been thinking about how finance and markets decide what gets built where and by whom and how little control local people have over their own communities. When I think of the mindset of a small, local business owner, it strikes me that it is a community mindset. They see a need within their community and they hope to fill it. Which seems like a perfect fit for social ventures – provided the owner is willing to cap their own earnings. Over the last few weeks I’ve been kicking around a few ideas. None of them will go anywhere. For one, I’m not sure they’re great ideas – my friend Stacy thinks I should pursue at least one or two of them. I also have no idea of how to go about it. The fact is, I have to pay myself first, and it’s hard to raise funds when you’re the initial beneficiary. It doesn’t stop me from running down the rabbit holes of thought. But that type of creativity takes away from my writing time.
Where to Live
This has been weighing on me a lot. My best option, financially is to move to State College where I won’t have housing costs. While I recognize the huge savings that would represent and that it might give me time and space to regroup, something about it feel s wrong. Something makes me feel like I need to give Memphis more of a chance, or I need to give myself more of a chance. There’s a lot that I like about State College, but right now, it doesn’t have any of the things I’m looking for in life (except some of the quietness and a little of the natural beauty). At times, I feel like Memphis is too small and too far from everything else. I can’t imagine how I’ll feel in State College. It’s the type of place I’d be fine going to if I had a partner in life, but without that… I just don’t know.
Job Searching
So often when I fire up Indeed or LinkedIn, I say, I’m just going to apply to whatever here in Memphis and start earning a paycheck…. I seldom find something that seems to fit (either I’m not qualified, or it’s a fast food job). I got pretty screwed with the timing of when I was let go and how unemployment works. Essentially I hadn’t been in Tennessee long enough to qualify. I filed an appeal asking them to consider my PA wages, and it’s been “processing” since April. Meanwhile rent has gone up, I still have utilities and I have to pay for my own healthcare. I’m pissed at the “system.” I’ve been employed pretty much my entire life and now there are no supports. This is why I work in the nonprofit sector – they try to provide the supports when everything else fails.
I’m also getting to a point where I don’t want to work for jerks. My ex-fiancee works for a large hospital system. They are a for profit organization. They’ve received a billion dollars in bailout funds and yet they’ve laid off nurses and haven’t provided adequate PPE supplies which is causing strikes at some of the hospitals. I don’t know how my ex feels about those things, but she struck me as the kind of person that would sense a level of injustice when nurses are being laid off and the ceo makes $27 million. But… I’m sure she needs to keep her job, and therefore has to work for “businessmen” who get paid a lot to make those hard decisions. If I can, I’m hoping to avoid being in that situation… and while I understand that beggars can’t be choosers – I’m starting to ask 1. Why are there so many beggars? and 2. That type of a saying only benefits those who have the privilege of choice – the iron law of wages says it’s in their interest to have a lot of beggars who have no choice but to work for them. This goes back to my earlier point – those in power are the ones who set the agenda (for philanthropy, for business, for wages, for community). Opportunity breeds opportunity and wealth simply consolidates among a few.
I’ve had a lot on my mind these last few days. It’s made me not want to write or less focused on writing. I also haven’t done as much reading or “free thinking” as I was doing. I’ve read a few good articles and didn’t take time to process them or quote them or write about them. I haven’t really enjoyed my leisurely second cup of coffee in the mornings. Even my walks have been focused on how to get some sort of “progress.” I feel like all I have in me, in terms of writing, is a dear diary type of diatribe or the recounting of my day – neither of which seem all that interesting. Yet, here it is.