I’ve been hesitant to start a blog. To publicly navel gaze. To put my stuff out in to the interwebs where it can be found… where it might never disappear. I have no intended audience. I have no theme, no real purpose. If the idea is to simply practice writing everyday, why publish it, and aren’t there better ways to practice?
I think about that audience thing a lot. What if my mother read this? my ex-wife? my ex-fiancee? A future partner? my employer? a future employer? I’ve done a fair amount of internet research on people: potential hires or business associates, friends, donors, dates… What we put out there often stays out there.
I remember coming across B’s blog with mixed feelings (B is my ex-fiancee). On it are poems and thoughts about her life in 2011. I loved the snapshot of her world at that moment in time. I wish I had gotten to know B the poet. But, not all of it was easy to read. She and her husband were trying start a family with difficulty – I know this caused sadness for her.
They also both turned 36 that year, she posted a picture as they went away together. It made me a little uncomfortable to see the two of them. She had pictures of him displayed at her house, and I remember seeing a picture of their wedding day – I think either she showed it to me, or it was at the bottom of her bookshelf – sticking out as though it had just been revisited with some other memories. Letting those things bother me (even in the slightest) made me uncomfortable with my own insecurities… a weird cycle.
I’m glad that she was in love with her husband – we should all love the people we marry. I’m glad that in the height of it she wanted to share their happiness with the world – love makes you want to scream out from the rooftops. I understand the sentiment and the desire to share.
Before I started this project I googled myself. What do the interwebs have on Matt Uhler? What is my digital legacy? Where are my fingerprints? How does this fit in? Is there a way for me to own more of my presence through a blog? The top results were all some business broker in Arizona.
I landed a respectable 4th with my LinkedIn profile. Sadly, I’m not crazy about the images… yep two of them are me (2 and 5)
But I practically own the second page of google results with the book I edited, The Right to a Living Wage…
Going a few pages deeper, there are some articles about hunger and homelessness in Bucks County, all related to the work I’ve done for United Way. Among the aggregator sites, one claims I have a court or arrest record.
The link is purple because of course I looked. Could a record exist without me knowing/remembering…? Welcome to your trial Mr. K.
So where am I going with this post? I’ve always held back on writing because I was afraid someone might actually read it. I don’t know how algorithms work, but I suspect these things will populate somewhere and someone will find them – the web is pretty good at that. And maybe that’s the secret hope of a writer – to be found and read. I remember the story of a teacher in Central Bucks. In 2011, she was fired for blogging about her students, calling some of them assholes or frightfully dim. The story made it’s way to CNN and Good Morning America.
Blogging and writing bring up a lot of questions about truth and facts and opinion and privacy and memory. What is appropriate for public space? I think when you read this you’ll see it’s more about love and psychology than anything else – and that always seems appropriate for public consumption – if anything we need more love stories. To those that might find it:
Mom: if your reading this, I can’t imagine that you’ll find anything offensive or objectionable. I’m a good boy, I try to do good things in the world, I’ve probably experienced some hurts that I’ve never told you about – I never wanted you to worry.
B: if you’re reading this… geez, I’m not sure what to say. Give me a call? Come home? I’m sorry? Thank you? As of this post (9/19/19), you are still very much on my mind. Maybe the blog is my way of exorcising your presence from my mind and heart. You never wanted to be the center of attention, and yet here you are…
To my ex-wife: if you’re reading this, I hope I don’t write anything too negative. I’m glad our parting was mutual and amicable. We were very different people who probably weren’t great partners. We raised an amazing daughter together – I’m proud of that.
Future partner: if your reading this, I hope it doesn’t make you feel insecure. I hope that I show you enough love, compassion, and attention that there is no doubt where my heart is. I hope that you can see I’ve tried to deal with hurt in a compassionate and understanding way.
Employers and co-workers, past, present, future, if you’re reading this, I’m glad you’re doing your homework. I hope nothing I say has negative consequences. I am pretty adamant about work / life balance. Life is too short to spend all of it worried about answering emails and working on spreadsheets. I work hard, I am authentic, but I will always value my life outside of work. If this blog hurts future employment, we’re probably not a good fit anyway.