Well… that didn’t take long. I was in the middle of writing something (sure to be profound) about change when an email popped up from the journal I submitted to last night. Being of little will power and unsound mind, I opened it up to read the form rejection. I remember way back when I started my own journal designing three different form rejections. I think they were no, no but thanks, and no but try again. The idea is that you get a lot of crap and don’t want to encourage more crap. I had forgotten about this part of the process… which isn’t an entirely true statement. I was well-aware of the rejection part. In fact, sending some poems out in February was a risk for me. I asked myself if I was ready to go down the path of lots and lots of rejections? It seemed to be the theme for the year – would I just be pouring gas on the emotional fire? Maybe I should get a win or two under my belt to build momentum? When a quarterback is really struggling in a game, the coach will often have him throw a few really short passes that are easy to complete so that he gets his confidence back. Ego is a powerful thing… sometimes easily propped up and other times easily crushed.
I have to admit, I was not as prepared as I thought I was for the quick rejection. It would have been nice if they thought about it for a day or two, maybe give me a little sense of false hope? I suppose I would have preferred to hear after I got another submission out the door – after I had coasted past the finish line of my monthly goal.
The post I was writing on change…. early on in it, I was writing that setbacks are a way to pull back and re-evaluate. For the past two months, I’ve been building myself up as a writer. I knew I’d face the real test once I started to submit work. Anyone can start a blog and put some some stuff out there. Much like relationships, validation comes from both within and from others. How the world responds to us revises the truths we tell ourselves. Rejections, by nature, sow doubt. Am I good enough – apparently not. Was it the overly sincere cover letter? Was it because the poems are posted on blog that nobody reads? Spelling errors? sloppy line breaks? Just not good? And what’s at the heart of feeling rejected and these questions? A desire denied? The paradox of Buddhism – have strength within in a world that spins on affirmation.
This is a minor setback – if it’s a setback at all. While far from fatal, it stung a little more than I expected it to.