Well before I met my ex-fiancee, B, I had spent a lot of time dating. I had a few relationships that were intense for a few months before crashing in their own special way. I also had a lot of one-off dates as well as a handful of things that fell in the 2 or 3 week range. It was an intense period, and sometimes it seemed like a feverish search for “the one.” I think in the span of a two to three years, I met at least 50 different women. Over that time, I had crafted what I thought was the perfect profile. What made it good was that I wasn’t trying to use it to impress women, but was instead building something that spoke to my aspirations and my lessons – I was building a profile to be a reminder to me of who I am and how I want to be. It’s surprisingly easy to lose yourself in the world of dating.
Profile
If we’re not careful, we just might set our wings on fire.
Adventurer, wordsmith, philosopher, conversationalist, hider, seeker, believer in long shots, fan of dive bars, blues music, laughter, beers, wine … can hold two contradictory ideas at the same time.
One of the good guys. Always honest, fiercely loyal, sometimes funny. Generous with my time, attention, and anything that I have to give. Easy to talk to and an open book. Have been humbled by more than a few things in life – enough so to have built that inner confidence.
The joker in me says I’m looking for my emergency contact. The romantic in me says I’m looking for the person I want to hold hands and live big and little moments with. The realist in me says I’m looking for the person who I’m bound to disappoint, upset, maybe even infuriate, but will want to figure it all out together.
Let’s smile, laugh, turn heads, and be comfortable together. Let’s inspire each other and have competitions in generosity. Let’s make the word smitten a part of our everyday vocabulary.
I’m a sucker for kind eyes, a warm smile, and someone who can show me new things.
Reflections on dating and relationships
1. Everyone is different, there are very few rules, go with the flow, trust your gut, don’t beat yourself up… more importantly, don’t beat anyone else up.
2. Been in love (amazing), had heart broken once or twice (slightly less amazing), broke other people’s hearts (also not so amazing).
3. Chemistry is real, timing can be a b*tch, deal breakers aren’t always deal breakers, flaws and vulnerability can be incredibly sexy.
4. People talk about who they are and what they’ve done…. don’t overlook their potential. Where they’ve come from is not necessarily where they want to go.
5. Be open, be trusting, be curious, be present, be patient, and take risks – be all the things you want someone else to be for you.
6. Be willing to get out of your own head. Don’t worry about appearing needy or distant or strong or weak…. be honest with yourself first, and the rest will follow. Authenticity seldom fails.
This is a pic B took of me when we were in Baltimore 
The dog – she was the best 
This is a pic B took of me in Central Park
That is, for the most part, the profile that I had before I met B. Obviously, the pics she took are new – I like them because my happiness shines through. The other exception is that I’ve added the paragraph about emergency contact, and it used to say had heart bruised – because until now, I’m not sure it had ever been broken. I know I’m going to disappoint my person, and they will disappoint me. I want someone who can be ok with that. The ways in which B disappointed never detracted from how much I loved her. It wasn’t a two way street. In the end, she couldn’t accept or forgive the ways in which I disappointed her. She had once said she was disappointed by everyone in her life, I had tried so hard to not be on that list.
I’ve been thinking about a book that my therapist suggested shortly after my fiancee left. It’s called Be the Person You Want to Find. I read it twice. In fact I bought a second copy that I was going to give to B, but then took it in to what I thought would be my last session with my therapist for her to give to a client who might need it. When I explained my original intentions – she suggested I give it to B anyway. I paced around the old neighborhood trying to decide if I should give it to her or not (her place/our place was a few blocks from the therapist’s office). In an extremely awkward moment, she was walking back from her car and saw me – I panicked and walked away… she called me out on it – it was a blast (sarcasm). I gave B the book – I don’t think we said much. Later that night, she texted. She said she read it and was glad I was working on myself. She had missed the point. The reason I read it twice is that I wanted to think of it in terms of both B and me. I wanted to read it with an eye of identifying B in it, and read it with an eye in seeing me in it. It’s short and an easy read. I recommend it to anyone who thinks deeply about relationships.
Early on in Be the Person You Want to Find, the author suggests that those qualities that we admire most in an other are often the qualities we feel are missing from ourselves. That makes a lot of sense.
I’ve taken this lesson to heart. Now, I find myself striving to be the things that I admired most in my ex-fiancee. Sometimes I think about what it will take for me to return to the person I used to be, and then I realize I was happy with who I was when we met and part of what made the relationship so enticing for me was that I loved so many things about her, that I saw in her someone who would help me grow in to someone new. I loved her warmth and her spirit. I loved the way she moved through the world. I loved that she had an eye for color and light, and that she had a way with words. Instead of focusing on who I was before, I’m trying to be the kind and warm artist I want to find (thought I found).
The book also talks about getting out of your own head (conditioning) and being the authentic/vulnerable you – keeping an open heart, and striving to see the other person from that original, innocent, pure place.
Giving the book to my ex was my plea to try to see me as the person she fell in love with, not the person she had left. I had hoped that if she would step back, she’d see that we both wanted the same thing – to build a solid and amazing future together. To live long, happy, and healthy lives together. To this day I see her not only as the woman I fell for, but as a complex and beautiful person – full of flaws and strengths – sometimes infuriating, but all lovable. I always saw her wounds, her brokenness (her words) not as damage, but as an opportunity to heal and grow closer. Somehow, in the end, she could no longer see me as the full-hearted person she fell in love with. She couldn’t see my flaws as something to kiss and accept and help me with. She had become convinced that I was controlling and manipulative, and she became full of anger and disappointment. On my better days, I love that about her too.
Nevertheless, hearing her anger and disappointment hurt. She told me that she was unhappy every day of our relationship. I took that criticism to heart – enough so that I spent months looking at old texts and pictures to see where we went wrong and what signs I missed. At the same time, a friend, who I’m no longer friends with, suggested that I had forced my ex-fiancee to move too quickly. As I dug through our time together, I came across so many instances of her sharing her happiness. Not more than two weeks before she left, she wrote: “Babe, I’m not kitten I love you with all my heart and am so excited to be moving in together THIS WEEKEND” and “Love you so much. Excited to wake up together and love together and have adventures and fall asleep in your arms and eventually be old together.”
Her one friend said, “It was so wonderful to meet you. You have brought joy and love back into B’s life and I cannot tell you how happy it makes me that a beautiful, extraordinary woman like her has the love, companionship and support of a man like you. It was so easy to be with you and I appreciate the way you think and do not hesitate to show how you feel. I really look forward to getting to know you better.”
Her dad wrote “Hi Matt, you two are really fortunate to have met considering the orbits of your lives. Carol and I really enjoyed our time together and look forward to feeling your energy as a couple and seeing your smiles in person (although pictures are great too). Give B a big hug for me. Congratulations and love to you both…. dad”
After she left left, I reached out to her sister-in-law. She responded, “Oh gosh I feel awful I’ve been meaning to call her! She was texting and said you guys broke up but I was hoping it’d be more like a fight and you’d be together again by now. I told Shane to call her just now but she didn’t answer. Glad you are giving her space sometimes that’s the only thing to do. I will def get in touch with her. I love seeing you guys together and I know you really care about her. She’s had a rough road and need that extra understanding and TLC, which you seem to give her.“
I don’t know where the unhappy every day came from. Further, I’m not sure I could have done much about it. Her friends and family talked about how life hasn’t been very kind to B – she has reasons to be unhappy. I was often trying to separate out her general unhappiness from the things I did to make her unhappy (I was never going to be perfect – far from it). I tried my hardest to bring joy and love in to her life – I had more than enough of it to spare. I had always hoped that my exuberance for us would carry us through.
Much of what I’ve been battling back from is the doubt B’s leaving has caused me – her denial of all that was good in our relationship. I hold on to the texts from her family and friends to remind myself that I was really good for her. I hold on to the pictures of us – because I liked the way we smiled together. I know I was kind and used loving words with her. I know I was patient and supportive. I know I made her feel happy and seen and heard and loved.
As for how to move on… I liked who I was before I met B. I liked myself even better when she was in my life. She’s not around to be all the things I loved about her. She’ll be that star for someone else and that makes me incredibly sad. So now, I’m trying to develop that brightness in myself. Trying to be the person I want to find. Trying to be a little bit of the person I already found. That’s what love does, it’s a mirror for all that is good (and troubling) inside you. Hopefully, it inspires you to be better.