Since it’s poetry month, I’m sharing one that a friend shared on Facebook. Not only does it seem appropriate for these times, but it resonates with my (and many people’s) dualistic/multiplicity approach to life – in order to understand x, we need to contemplate or feel y. Not sure how the poem will render on a phone (there’s a donate popup). On a computer, I think the esc key gets rid of the popup.
The line that resonated with me the most, or the section that resonated, is the “wake with sorrow…. Then it is only kindness that makes sense anymore.” I can’t speak for the experiences of others, but there are days when I try to think about the do-over that I won’t get (or I might get, but not with B). B and I were kind to each other. In fact, most of the relationships I’ve been in have had levels of kindness… but there’s a sense of awakening when it’s taken away. Suddenly, none of the arguments seem to matter much. Any pettiness or holding on to position or digging in seems, not only unnecessary, but so easily solved by kindness. It just seems like it’s the only way, it’s the only thing that makes sense. It’s hard to explain, but it feels like the things that might have gotten me bent out of shape or annoyed before, seem really inconsequential now.
Unfortunately, this is where my dad may have had a point when he crassly said, this is why nobody likes you, this is why everybody leaves, you end up being this pushover. I don’t think not being kind is ever the answer, but I’ve had to learn that for people who are unkind to themselves, kindness can make them feel worse, can feel insufferable or like they’re being shamed or criticized or being morally looked down upon. This is precisely the challenge of being the person you want to find. If you admire someone for their warmth, or kindness, or intelligence, or athleticism, you can, at times, resent them for having something you lack. I admired my ex-wife’s determination and endurance when it came to her PhD… it was also the thing that changed our relationship for the worse. I admired B’s sense of freedom – this too became part of the undoing. It’s not uncommon. From time to time, our counselor would tell us the things we admired most in each other will also be the things that drive us nuts about each other. My ex-wife would get mad at me and call me Saint Matt or sometimes be upset that I always end up looking like the good guy, the one who just lets anger go.
And maybe that’s the bigger lesson. Whatever the do-over looks like… pay attention to what draws me to the person, and determine if I need to cultivate that in myself, and pay attention to what they like about me and see if there are ways to help them cultivate that. I know I’ve written it before, but it just makes so much sense. If you’re looking for kindness, make sure that you’re kind. If you’re looking for warmth, make sure that you’re warm. If you’re looking for roots make sure that you’re rooted and if you’re looking for freedom make sure that you’re free…. or at least willing to approach / cultivate these things within yourself.