I have no idea where today went. It picked up where I left off last night (and didn’t write about) – which was thinking about my former job. Yesterday I got word that my former boss is leaving. It was sent out in a mass email by the board chair. To me, it reads as though she might have been asked to leave – it praises her efforts and the work she’s done, promises full cooperation. My experience is that when you decide to leave a high-profile position, you get to be the one to make the announcement. At my last job, I told my boss, and she and I crafted a communication plan on who we would notify, and when and how. By contrast, when you’re asked to leave (as I recently was), the announcement is made for you. In this particular case of my former boss, an email blast was sent out to members, past members, vendors, etc. No press release has gone out, no information has been added to the website. Anyone with questions was encouraged to contact the board chair. I could be wrong, but the timing of all of this is a little odd and sudden – unless, she has some health issues. I was hired to be the next CEO, she was going to stick around for 2 to 3 more years as I got up to speed and became familiar with the organization. Unfortunately, that didn’t happen, and by some accounts I’m not even welcome. I’ve been removed from the membership e-mail distribution list (though I am a paying member). I’ve already had at least one person somewhat associated with the organization ask if I’ll reach out to the board and see if there’s a place for me. I’ll give it a day or two to see if more news trickles out, and then see if they want to talk – I’m not expecting much. I have to think about whether or not I’d want to go back there or go back to working on poverty or something like cancer research at St. Jude. It’s certainly an interesting development, and in preparing for my interviews and all of the work that I did with the board, I certainly gave thought on how to move the organization forward.
I had a minor victory this morning when I ordered groceries. They had almost everything I ordered (or a viable substitute). One thing they didn’t have was Italian sausage, and they substituted ground pork… I decided to look up a spice recipe and make my own mix to make sausage. It came out better than the store bought stuff I’ve been getting, and my dinner was pretty amazing because of it.
As I cooked (and maybe danced around to music a bit) I thought about this process of reclaiming aspects of my life like cooking. For a while, I just didn’t want to do it – cook, that is. I really enjoyed cooking together with my ex-fiancee, B, and so I avoided it because of the memory. I had a similar situation the first handful of times I tried to workout, do sit-ups specifically. I would remembered how Zelle my ex’s pup, would always interrupt and give me kisses by my ear. The first time that memory popped up, it became impossible to exercise. While I no longer avoid cooking (or sit-ups), I still think of B almost every time that I make a decent meal. Then I get pretty down on myself for feeling this way. I start to feel like there’s something wrong. I start to think about how other people seem to be able to move on much more quickly – and that I must be abnormal.
My fail safe, my way to pull myself out of it, is to just say this is who I am and how I am – how I’m wired. There are other people who never move on – they get so stuck and obsessed. I take some solace in knowing that’s not where I am. Most days are just normal days, but at least a few times throughout the day, I find myself remembering something or thinking wouldn’t it be nice if…. I know it’s going to take a while. When things didn’t work with a different woman, it took me nearly a year to get over it. I dated someone for five months during that time period, and often enough thought about this other woman (I had to drive by her neighborhood whenever I went over this other person’s house). That was really unfair to the person I was seeing. It wasn’t until I met B, that all other women were pushed from my mind. This other woman and I only dated for 3 months, never said we loved each other, never lived together, never really cooked together. We didn’t develop a thousand small memories (partially because we didn’t connect in that way). Her dog never met the cats. It wasn’t what I would call an amazing and deep connection – the kind that just floors you and everything seems special. I keep trying to be patient with myself and also not get in to something (a relationship) that I’m not ready for.
As often as I have these little memory setbacks, sometimes, I also find myself pretty angry at B for not realizing that we had a good thing. I get angry at her for never seeming satisfied when someone gives her their all. At least that seems to be the pattern that’s emerged. From what little I know, she’s always been the disappointed one and the one to leave. This was actually a thought I was having in the shower today. I was thinking about some of my friends and some of the women I’ve gotten to know. I was thinking of their stories and how some of them have really shitty exes that they need to deal with because of the kids. Exes who lie or don’t do the things they’re supposed to do (pay child support, help the kids with homework). I think about how some of my friends have been in pretty rough and abusive relationships – they’ve been hit and screamed at and told they’re no good. When I make that comparison, I lose sympathy for B. She left our relationship and said I was controlling. In various posts, I’ve probably shared the worst of what I’ve done. I’ve tried to take full ownership for the crappy things that get said in the heat of arguments. I had never done anything that remotely approaches abuse (verbal or physical), yet she told her boyfriend she had to leave the state to get away from me (to me she simply said she needed to leave to get a new start, and in fact at one point, she told both Carolyn and me that she would stick around for a year to think about things). I don’t know what some of her past experiences were, but I’m not sure she knows what controlling or abusive really is. I hope she never finds out. She didn’t date much before we met. I don’t think she knows just how shitty it is out there, especially for women. And this isn’t me trying to be some knight in shining armor…. I’ve had dates cry on me as they talked about being sexually assaulted or how their ex choked them one night and that’s when they called the cops. When I think in these terms, I can only resign myself to saying – this is the choice she made – to seek out something better. This is where I, instead, turn to Buddhism – seeking is the root of suffering. I know, as much as I appreciated us in the moment, recent events have only made me appreciate what we had even more.
After dinner, I couldn’t decide what I wanted to do. I thought about painting or reading or writing, and instead decided on listening to music. I exchanged a few texts with Carolyn… She has officially graduated. I’m sad that she won’t get a ceremony. All she has left is her nursing exam, and she’ll be out there doing her thing. She sent me a video of Morris the Moose Gets a Cold. It was something we used to watch (a couple of different Morris videos) when she was little. I’m glad that she has good memories of growing up and the life her mother and I tried to give her. I’m super proud of her.
As I watched videos, a strange feeling came over me tonight – maybe it’s the social isolation talking – maybe it was a counter to feeling a little angry earlier. I opened up the YouTubes and saw a recommended playlist based on a Smashing Pumpkins song that I like, “Bullet with Butterfly Wings.” I sent the video to Carolyn to say this is what I’m doing (I doubt she’s ever heard the song).
It’s an old song – I’m pretty sure I was in college when it came out. I can remember my roommate Mark being really in to the Smashing Pumpkins. Aside from that, I can’t say I have any strong memories attached to them or the song, other than when I might have rediscovered it a few years ago – but again, nothing specific. The weird part was that it felt like it was something that B and I would have connected over, and I suddenly wanted to be listening to the song with her and asking what were you doing back in 96? It’s not weird that she popped up in to my thoughts – by now you’re used to that, and I’m trying to limit how often it happens. But the urge to want to share and connect was what caught me off guard. It was if there was an opportunity to re-associate my past with something new.
I also thought of this in a broader context (meaning outside of B). I think it would be a fun to get to know someone by each sharing songs from a time period – grunge or eighties or…. I wonder if I associated the Smashing Pumpkins song with B because I know she had a period where she was writing for surf magazines and then audio recording magazines. I think the other thing is, I’m not sure I dated anyone who matched my enthusiasm for music as closely as B did, and so sharing music was a natural for us. The moment passed as I dug in to other live performances of other bands (Marcy Playground, Nirvana, Led Zeppelin, Chris Cornell).
The next thing I knew, the night was gone.