I hadn’t planned on starting this post with a video…. in fact the plan was to end with a live performance video of Glass Animals – since that’s who I’ll be seeing in Kentucky in June (ever the optimist of having someone to take with me, I bought two tickets). When I went to the youtubes, I saw the video of the pittie and couldn’t resist – such a happy pup. Very briefly I had a pupper in my life. Zelle was an absolute goof and would also “woo woo woo.” I loved coming home and playing tug-of-war with her and going on our family walks. The plan when I moved down here was to settle in to a house and get a rescue dog. For now, those plans are on hold, but watching the video, I remember how nice it was to have a dog around the house. We were good for each other. I know Zelle helped my ex, her mom B, get through a lot.
Like I said, I wasn’t really planning on writing about dogs – sometimes, they just take over. I was going to write a little bit about some of the conversations I’ve been having with a friend and this notion of feeling broken, and the desire to have someone to share our news with. My friend and her boyfriend seem to have ended things. I wasn’t there and I’m only hearing one side of the story, but as best as I can tell, he would get upset over any number of little things – especially if she expressed negative feelings. It sounds like he would start arguments, shut them down, and then retreat to saying he’s no good for anybody. She says she feels absolutely broken over this. She can’t understand how it went from good to being over so quickly. I shared with her the text that my ex-fiancee had sent me hours before she left. The one in which she said, “I wouldn’t want to be doing this with anyone else, babes.” I also sent her the link to some pages about attachment theory.
I first discovered attachment theory when B, my ex, and I had our first fight. She went out to San Diego and I stayed back in Yardley. I spent a lot of time reading and writing and thinking. I began with the question “why do I feel anxious when I don’t hear from her?” I think to some degree, it’s normal to feel that, but it seemed worth examining. I dug back to times in my past when I felt nervous or alone. I touch on some of this in my post on EFT and my post “Existential Crisis.” As I reread about how we attach and how it’s seldom one style, I started to think about that other question… “to what end?” I think it’s dangerous, and unhelpful, to go around diagnosing your partner (that’s the work they need to do). The idea, for me, is that when both people have an understanding of these things (attachment theory and why they might do what they do) AND they feel comfortable and safe enough with each other, they can open up about whether or not they’re anxious or dismissive. This gets in to EFT and getting to the heart of each other. Earlier today I read about not having resentment in a relationship and personality types that cause conflict in relationships. From the one about resentment, the author suggests, “So many relationship problems actually have very little to do with the relationship itself…” Susan Adler believes “many of the so-called relationship difficulties she sees have much more to do with the individuals’ own problems.” Based on my own personal experience – my issues, history, baggage always made my responses worse – I suppose that’s why they’re called triggers. It seems like it always boils down to the same thing – do you have the patience and honesty and trust to be compassionate and be able to step back and realize that the problems aren’t with the person in front of you (though maybe sometimes they are)?
After talking with my friend for a little bit, I went out to grab some dinner and go for a walk. On my way home, I paused to take in the sunset over the Mississippi. I’ve heard a few people talk about being broken. B used the term a lot. In one of her last texts after the breakup she said “You knew the extent of healing (I’m broken ring a bell?).” I had another friend use the term in talking about how she can’t move forward. It’s a shame, because so often, I don’t think it has to be the case. We can choose to try to heal our relationships and ourselves…I don’t doubt that if B had wanted to, we could have figured things out… But when I opened up about my attachment type, she never revealed what type she thought she was. There’s a give and take that’s required with vulnerability.
As I walked home from the sunset, I thought about (again) what moving on looks like and why it’s difficult. It too is a type of brokenness. I’m not sure I could get excited about someone new the way I did with B. I still like sunsets and all of the things that I’ve always liked (Glass Animals / music), but I’m not sure I want to (or can) share them with the same enthusiasm and gusto that I did. And maybe, for me, broken isn’t the right word – it sounds too dire. It’s more of a feeling of resignation? I know I’ve tried to explain it before and come up short…. and, as of this post, I still come up short. I’m not so negative to think it’ll never happen again, but at the same time, it’s not something I can envision. Picturing a future with B was so easy, and now just picturing sharing nice moments with someone is a stretch. It’s a strange “indifference.” On the one hand I stay somewhat hopeful – I buy two tickets to concerts. On the other, I’m getting closer and closer to accepting that my understanding of these things, for now, will have to come through memory and reading other people’s experiences in poems, etc. Here’s that sunset – the pictures don’t do the colors justice… and also that live Glass Animals video. I’m really excited to see them.
