I allow myself posts like last night’s because while they feel a little embarrassing (as if I’ve made no progress), they continue the theme of growth as an iterative process that is by no means linear. I’ve spent the earliest parts of my morning re-reading and editing – I’m not a huge fan of the lost keys metaphor (how could I have worked in having a spare set? or a vacation home?) I also think there were missed opportunities for humor. That’s something I’d like to work in more to my writing – I really like to laugh.
This morning I was reading through someone’s dating profile. In it they mentioned (more than once) that they’re looking for local. That’s a totally understandable request – it’s difficult to build something without proximity. While talking with Cathy last night, she pointed out that my profile says liberal AND agnostic… Yes, I’m fully aware that I live in the bible belt. I read a lot of profiles that say they love Jesus or that God comes first. I don’t have any issues with that on a personal level, they’re just not the person for me. Maybe this isn’t the place for me.
These things, these ideas have me thinking deeply about what to prioritize. I tried to touch on it in my post about the complications of choice. Specifically, I’m thinking about the “absurdity” of choosing a life course in search of something other than work. I think of Kendric who moved to San Diego on a whim because he met a woman and fell in love – our culture tells us that he’s frivolous, irresponsible, that it can’t possibly work. If I were to put equal effort in to finding a job and finding a partner – (after we scoff) we’d all put our bets on finding a job first. I’d probably get way more dates than I’d get job interviews, but we’d still all bet that one of those job interviews would lead to an offer, and we’d be much more skeptical of the dates ever going anywhere. The one seems much more within my control than the other – yet they’re both about “selling” this concept that is me. This is why we don’t run around the world looking for love – this is part of our belief that it finds us (which should be all the more reason to really care for it when it does). I’m not sure what this says about our collective beliefs in relationships. It seems to prove just how elusive real connections are – or how shallow our job connections are…. or else it says a lot about our priorities or it says something about our belief that love can’t be forced (but jobs can), or love is a choice and jobs are something you just take? Something seems off about the whole thing. Maybe it’s just a very reasonable approach to Maslow’s hierarchy of needs with food and shelter being first (which requires a job) and self-actualization and emotional needs coming later (after the basics are taken care of). This is exactly what the working world counts on – the iron law of wages practically demands it. In one of my browser tabs I have open an article from 2018 on the post-work world and the radical idea that we don’t need to work. Maybe I’m still making the argument for holding on to and pursuing something that seemed really special.
In my attempt to focus on what matters, I’m having a difficult time determining what matters. Or more specifically, I’m having a difficult time sorting out what society says matters and what I think matters. This question has been at the center of human thought and complexity for as long as we’ve had choice in how to spend our time. I am not the first to think these things, I am not the best at thinking these things, and yet I’m not sure the answers can be found in reading those who have walked this path before. Thoreau published Walden in 1854 – in it he proposed living simply so that one didn’t work solely to pay for their things. After having a stroke and being paralyzed, Whitman began to see nature as the one thing in life worth pursuing. John Muir felt the same way. Many thinkers have thought philosophy to be the highest pursuit…. Mel Brooks famously sketched a scene of the philosopher in the unemployment line “a bullshit artist.” My father believes knowledge and learning is the highest pursuit. Some people bow at the alter of money, others at the alter of technology, others at the alter of faith or family or country. A whole lot of people are just trying to get by with their health and a few good times. The other day I joked with my daughter, Carolyn, that maybe I’ll see if I can get someone to watch Nick for a few months, and hike the Appalachian Trail. Maybe six months in the woods would reveal something? Maybe I see a lot of alters? Maybe I think bowing is stupid? Maybe I just want something a bit more simplified? These were not the questions that troubled me a year ago – when life seemed more balanced and full. I didn’t have to examine nearly as many things then – I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing – I suppose it just is.
I’m 45. If all goes well, I have another 25 plus years here. What does it mean to “make them count”? Should I be pursuing my happiness? At what cost? This morning as I ate my extra crispy bacon, I thought about it as a carcinogen. I thought about big scary things like death and cancer… how selfish, and completely normal, it is for me to want someone there to walk with me through those moments. This is why it feels wrong to pursue the job and hope the rest will follow. Time could be cut short, and then what? I think I’d rather have these revelations now, and not, like Whitman, after a stroke or something debilitating. In about an hour, I’ll go and get on the treadmill – as if that’s not loaded with symbolism. I’ll spend some time listening to music… trying to write a few good words… enjoying a cup of coffee out in the world that surrounds me. Fortunately, or unfortunately, being in the now also means sometimes being uncomfortable in the now.
Signing off – for now 😉