Unsettled. That’s the word for tonight. Unsettled mind, unsettled interests, unsettled goals…. unsettled. For the few hours I’ve had after dinner, I basically did nothing. I had some music on. I had my laptop open. The phone was to my left, the set of paints to my right. I wanted to paint, but couldn’t think of anything. I thought about writing – same problem. I scrolled though the dating apps with absolutely no interest – a mindless way to pass the time. I briefly looked for jobs, nothing of interest. I wasn’t focused enough to read. I haven’t heard from any of my friends tonight – that’s unusual for Lisa.
I get frustrated with nights like this. I want to “do things” and can’t seem to find my way through the static. I should have just tried to paint – doesn’t matter what – pick anything. Or read – I could use some sort of intellectual stimulation – some fodder, something digestible.
On painfully slow nights, my mind wanders. I don’t want to write about where it goes, not because it’s some dark and scary place – quite the opposite. Yesterday my friend was talking about all of the little daily reminders she has of her ex. I tried to be sympathetic – I’ve been exactly where she is. I still get some of those reminders. Tonight I listened to Glass Animals as I cooked (a reminder). I thought a little bit about where I might move next – which made me wish I had the support I had tried to offer my ex-fiancee, B.
I went back and re-read my very first post Transitions. I had just given notice at my job at United Way. I was writing about what a good group of people I was leaving – how so many people reached out to tell me I made a difference. This time, it’s quite the opposite. I’m not sure I care for many of the people I’m leaving – I’m pretty sure none of them care for me. I’m happy to be out of the environment, but not a fan of this very unmoored feeling that I have.
In yet another odd way, this mirrors some of B’s experiences. She moved to Philly for a fresh start. Things collapsed and she left to get another fresh start. I moved to Tennessee to start over, things collapsed… not sure what comes next. At times, B and I talked about moving away together. I’m not sure what the appeal was for us – but it was there. Unattainable – I would like nothing more than to do that now – starting over, this time together. That’s not even the right way to put it. There’s a kid-like desire to go back to when things were working. There was a time, not too long ago, when (for me) things were working. I felt like we could have conquered anything together. I could use some of that mojo. I’ve wanted to reach out… I’m not a fan of restraint when it comes to matters of the heart.
I hastily tried to paint a desert landscape with dark mountains in the distance and a setting sun. I hesitate to share because I really don’t care for it, but I’ve shown plenty of emotional rough sketches in my writing, so why not a very amateur painting… I should revisit it with some white to accent things and create reflections and blend spaces…. I ran out of patience – it was that type of a night. Maybe I’ll touch it up tomorrow.
