Tonight, my friend Lisa sent me two songs to listen to… they were slow and sad and longing in nature. I can think of at least four or five instances over the past few years where this was how things played out with women. They’d open up, and share how much they want to find love…. it’s always about the one they’ve lost. D did this often, and because she said she loved me, I could never tell if the songs (Stay by Rihanna and Sideways by Citizen Cope) were for me or her lost marriage. I don’t think she knew. Another woman did the same thing, though I knew those songs weren’t meant for me… I liked a lot of the songs she shared (one was Maps and Plans by Keith Johns). We don’t talk much, but she has a way of letting me know that she’s hurting. My friend in Omaha sent me a screenshot of a text she received from the boyfriend she’s reunited with – he’s sorry he didn’t see it before, he’s happy they’re back together. She’s going to get swept up in it… she sent a picture of him and his kids, said she hopes it’s her future family. I hope she’s right – she deserves love and stability, and to hell with the Buddhists, let her long for it and be satisfied in in finding it. For once, let desire not breed misery. I’ve been talking to Lisa about how to open up, how to tell the boyfriend she misses that she misses him. Coaching her in the words I wanted to hear so many nights this past year. This is the easiest type of coaching. Tell her exactly what B could have said to win back a heart that was dying to be won back.
Tonight, I had an odd longing in the bones as I walked home from the Flying Saucer. I looked at the street and sidewalk below, contemplated the city and it’s traffic lights, looked at the buildings above. I thought to myself, “what am I doing here? How did this all come to be?” Me, Memphis. People have told me I’m brave for being able to pick and move like that. I want to tell them, it’s only brave if it’s a choice – I felt like I had to leave, had to find a new place to start, had to surround myself with strangers and distractions. Nothing feels brave about that.
Tonight, at 5:30, a friend’s divorce was finalized. When all was said and done, it cost him $15k in legal fees. He and I would go out every couple of weeks – usually to Revere so I could have Bolognese. I know he’s happy to be done with the divorce. He and his now ex-wife met at my wedding – I somehow feel responsible. I’m sad for him – in the way I’m sad for everything that ends and doesn’t work out. I don’t think either of them were happy, but I don’t think he was looking forward to the divorce either. I miss our dinners together.
Tonight, I feel like I miss a lot of things. I look down at Nick sitting near my feet. I won’t have too many years left with him – I miss him already and give him a few more chin rubs. Maybe this is the longing I can’t quite put my finger on, can’t quite put in to words. I’m thinking about those words, I miss you – how simple and powerful and wholly redemptive they can be. Tonight I want to live in short declarative sentences. No verbal acrobatics or messy syntax or complex niceties and asides. Tonight, I want to find that ache and name it.
Tonight, I watched the news – Kobe Bryant. I wanted to read all of the obituaries of the other people who died in that crash – give them their due. I wanted to read all the obituaries of everyone who died on that day. I want fairness in death. Especially in death – we so seldom get it in life. This is when we all return as equals – or at least are supposed to.
Tonight, as I walked past the Peabody hotel, I thought about this woman from Nashville. She and I texted a little bit a week or two ago. She’s an artist and designer, a free spirit – and known in her local circles. She was in Memphis this past weekend – staying at the Peabody. We briefly considered getting together – her schedule was tight. When she got here, her profile showed up on the location based dating app, Bumble. The profile made it sound like she wanted casual, a fun time. I thought about what it’s going to take to rip that band aid off. How do I go about debasing the sacred. B and I were so much more than carnal desire. We were connected in ways that made us miss each other even when we were fully together.
Tonight I read a list of words in other languages that encompass entire thoughts and sentences in English. Kummerspeck: excess weight gained from emotional overeating. Literally, grief bacon. That made me laugh. Iktsuarpok: that feeling of anticipation when you’re waiting for someone to show up at your house and you keep going outside to see if they’re there yet. Cafune: tenderly running your fingers through your lover’s hair.
Tonight, I’m thinking about that poem “How To Like It.” I’m thinking about all of the things I want. What it means to be just beyond reach. Despite my desire to live in short declarative sentences, I’m thinking about all of the “in between” statements I’ve been making – how there is nothing declarative about living in the shadow where black meets white and tree branch almost touches sky or roots wind their way through earth past rock and clay. Tonight, I’m thinking about capacity and enso circles. I’m thinking about how what’s outside the circle is the same as what’s inside the circle – which makes me think of the body as a containing vessel and how what’s outside the body is also what we hope to contain within.
Tonight, I’m thinking about tonight. It’s long arc of memory and the simplicity of words. Tonight I’m thinking about how so many things can cross a singular mind… how in the span of a few hours, I might contemplate all of the human condition and also spend slow moments missing the people who need to be missed… tonight.