Monday morning
Slanting rain streaks the windows. The magnolia tree shakes and waves in quick bursts of wind. A firetruck blares in the distance and then fades.
Tuesday…
Yesterday, we were in the middle of, or maybe at the end of, a weather event. It had been raining for the past three or four days which, combined with the king tides, flooded some area roads – though nothing in my immediate vicinity had been impacted. This morning, though the storm clouds still linger, they’re giving way to a pale blue sky. A soft yellow light mixes with the gray.
My resolution to exercise more, which usually involves runs along the Bay in sunny, fifty-degree weather, has been put on hold because of the multi-day storm. As has my resolution to walk more and get back in to the habit of visiting other parts of the city. Even my post-dinner walks have been curtailed. In general, perhaps because New Year’s fell on a Thursday, the “new beginning” part of the new year feels as though it has been postponed – as if the weekend didn’t count and this is the first real week of the new year. It also feels as though any well-intentioned efforts at behavioral change have already failed before they even started. My desire to spend less time scrolling social media and consuming news – thwarted by our illegal attack on Venezuela.
Maybe next week is the week to start in earnest…
But if I’m being honest, I am, and have been, experiencing a deeper feeling of malaise and despair that won’t be solved by a few more runs or by spending fewer hours online. If I’m being honest, ever since the 2024 presidential election, I’ve been struggling with motivation and purpose. The premise is simple. It is becoming increasingly difficult to do good in the world, to be charitable, and to play by the rules when, on a daily basis, I read about and see examples of people in power doing harm, flouting the rules (especially the rule of law), being greedy, behaving corruptly, and brazenly practicing cruelty with a smirk and a smile.
At my core, I believe in fairness and justice. At my core, I believe in kindness and generosity. I want to live in a more fair and just world. I want to live in a kinder and more generous world. For the most part, I believe those changes begin within – behave and live fairly, justly, kindly, and generously. For the most part, I believe (or believed) that we have to be the change we want to see in the world. And for an entire year, those beliefs have been challenged and assaulted. Under Tr*mp, my desire for a less selfish world doesn’t seem possible. Under Tr*mp, my beliefs in honesty and doing the right thing feel naive and futile.
Criminals (including J6 insurrectionists) have been pardoned while innocent citizens who happen to have the wrong skin color or wrong tattoos have been jailed or sent to a gulag in El Salvador. Greed, grift, and corruption are rampant among Tr*mp’s millionaire and billionaire cronies while hard working people are seeing their healthcare premiums double and the cost of basic necessities increase. Admittedly, inequality is a long standing issue… According to the Economic Policy Institute, CEO pay “has soared 1,085% since 1978 compared with a 24% rise in typical workers’ pay.” But it’s not just their pay – they have access to policy and influence that also enrich them. Oil executives (who were basically promised favorable treatment if they donated to the Tr*mp campaign) were recently informed ahead of time about our strike on Venezuela, while Congress (the legal authority who is supposed to authorize or deny such acts of war) was kept in the dark. Media outlets, who are essential to a functioning democracy, have, at the direction of their billionaire owners, bowed down to authoritarian demands and abandoned both their principals and their duty. From yesterday’s New York Times: “President Tr*mp picked Nicolas Maduro’s vice president as Venezuela’s new leader. Will she play along?” What actual bullshit is this coming from “the paper of record”? Why are we “picking” who leads sovereign nations, and moreover, why is the Times legitimizing this?
This, too, is not new. America has interfered with sovereign nations in plenty of times before. But the difference has always been that there were some checks and balances. In the past, we at least had the illusion of democracy and a functioning congress. In the past, we at least had the illusion of debate. In today’s world, we have an administration that is disenfranchising an entire political party, and by proxy, nearly half of the nation. Checks and balances and the norms of government no longer exist. Honestly, it’s all a bit too much. Goodness does not seem to be winning out. The rule of law does not seem to be winning out.
Years ago, while taking a graduate course on child psychology, our professor gave us an insight as to a potential root cause of emotions like anger and frustration. He suggested that quite often, what we’re responding to is a violation of our sense of justice and fairness. He said we all have a fairness button, and we get ticked off and frustrated when that button is being pushed. When someone cuts us off in traffic or cuts in line, sure, we’re upset by the dangerous and/or ignorant behavior (they could have caused an accident), but we’re also upset because they are valuing their time, safety, and expediency above ours – and that pushes on our fairness button. Why are they more important than us? Why is their destination more important? Our professor pointed out that kids immediately recognize this root cause – they say it all the time, “not fair.”
For the better part of this past year (and for the four years before when Tr*mp was in office), I’ve been screaming, if only internally, NOT FAIR. Almost every day, I seem to wake to another example of how unfair and unjust our system and our government have become. It is, in many small ways radicalizing me. I’m afraid my fairness butting has been pushed too often and is about to break.
The other night I found myself in the midst of a debate with a friend over economics and justice. I was, somewhat seriously, arguing that until we start prosecuting white collar crime, and until we stop pardoning CEOs and Tr*mp’s pals for their crimes, I don’t think we should prosecute anyone. Admittedly, it’s an absurd argument to propose lawlessness and chaos, but I’m sick of hearing stories of people who can’t get jobs or apartment leases because of a past crime, while a convicted felon holds the highest office in the land. My friend pushed back and wanted to know if I really believed that white collar crimes were worse than murder or other violent crimes. I had to counter that many white collar crimes at the largest corporate levels destroy countless lives both economically, and literally. Not only were very few people prosecuted for the financial collapse in the late 2000’s but some still received their bonuses. I suggested he look up Union Carbide and Bhopal if he wants to read about how corporations literally kill people and practically get away with it. We weren’t quite arguing. My friend tends to agree with me, and wants to see white collar crime prosecuted as well – he just doesn’t think the answer is to let up on other types of crime. But that’s where the frustration comes in. The Tr*mp administration is sending the military into our cities to crack down on street crime, while pardoning white collar criminals and dialing back/underfunding enforcement against white collar crimes. NOT FAIR.
The net effect on me, aside from falling further behind like many Americans, is that after years of working in the nonprofit sector – mostly on issues of economic justice and poverty, I feel burned out. I feel that we’re focusing on the wrong things, are being intentionally distracted by things like sports betting, AI slop, and culture war bullshit, and are doing little to address the systemic issues that only seem to be getting worse. I feel that any progress we, as a society, have made has instantly been stripped away and reversed by an administration that only wants to serve a select few. In this environment, it becomes difficult to work for “the greater good” without feeling like it’s an uphill battle.
I began this on a dreary day in a series of dreary days, and the more I thought about things, I had to acknowledge that despite my efforts to place myself in the vicinity of joy, 2025 was a dreary year. I know, or at least I suspect, that the antidote to cynicism and despair is love and joy. I know that the only way forward is through. I also know that avoiding these issues (by not reading the news) won’t make them go away… but there are days when I can’t stand the constant barrage of lies and gaslighting (just take a look at what was posted on the White House website today about January 6). The literal storm battering the coast may have passed, but it will be years before this figurative one passes. Of course, the question with any storm is always, what will be left when it has passed?