I have a lot of… regrets isn’t quite the word I’m looking for, but it’ll have to do… a lot of regrets about the fact that my last big relationship didn’t work out – which, jeez, was almost six years ago (or as one online calculator tells me 2,156 days, but who’s counting). It’s not so much the relationship not working that I regret, but that, for one reason or another, I never fully bounced back from it. Or more accurately, I bounced back in many ways (I’m far more adept at being alone, I think I’m more thoughtful and introspective, and more adventurous) but I’ve never bounced back in the partnering up or entering into another serious relationship sort of way. I have many days when I feel resigned to the possibility of being single for the rest of my life – not necessarily because I want to but because it seems as though I and the world have changed in some fundamental ways with respect to courtship, relationships, partnerships, and marriage.
Because I’m a student of internal change, I tend to think about this a lot. I try, often unsuccessfully, to pinpoint and name the changes that have taken place. I ask myself questions like, “why does connecting seem harder or further away or less important than it used to?” I seldom come up with any answers. I’ve been thinking about this subject a lot these last few days because of an article I read in the Guardian: “‘Men seem to make life for women worse’: single US women share the woes of dating in 2025.”
At least they’re not pulling any punches with the headline. My first reaction was, “that sounds about right, men make women’s lives worse” but my second reaction was “wait, I’m a man, am I in that group too? am I making life for women worse?” Again, I’m finding it increasingly harder to be hopeful about romantic prospects when the gender I’m attracted to has concluded that I and my ilk are making their lives worse. And I’m not entirely disagreeing with them. Men can be emotionally stunted, overly aggressive, self-centered, and distant. We can be petulant man-children, often helpless, and unflinchingly stubborn. But I also think this is a two-way street, and that blaming one gender or the other is a cheap, easy, and avoidant way of saying I’m comfortable where I am and finding compromise with another person is a bridge I’m no longer willing to cross. All of which is fine. It makes sense that people seek comfort. Moreover, cutting people out of our lives in favor of that comfort is all the rage these days. But it also makes it difficult to take seriously the complaint that dating sucks or that one gender isn’t living up to their half of the bargain. In one respect or another, I think most people are getting back from dating what they’re putting out into the dating world – which is a half-hearted meh.
Among the top complaints from the women surveyed in the article, is that men don’t make any effort: “A large number of women complained about past suitors who had been ‘lacking effort’ or ‘unable to keep up’.” I’m afraid I fall into this low effort category, and while I tend to think, “I haven’t found anyone captivating enough to earn my effort,” I have to admit that it might be a mutually reinforcing cycle. Something about missing 100% of the shots you don’t take. I intentionally or by default don’t take many shots. Other complaints cited in the article are that many men suffer from Peter Pan syndrome and don’t want to grow up or that many men are uncomfortable with women who earn more or are strongly independent. I feel pretty confident that I don’t fall into either of those categories. I’m quite domesticated (grown up) and I’m totally fine with my partner being better off than me (so long as they’re fine with it too). When asked what they’re looking for, a lot of women said they want men who are self-sufficient, will take the lead, and will add to their lives (which feels slightly contradictory to “being able to keep up” and being ok with women earning more). One woman semi-quoted the poet Warsan Shire, “I’ll only have you if your presence is sweeter than my solitude.”
This seems to be the common framing of this discussion and the woes of dating in the 2020s: men are deficient and maybe stuck in the stone ages and women are over it. Perhaps this is just the latest step in the all too understandable backlash as we move towards greater equality. Men, for most of history, have kept women in a subservient position, and now, as many women are finding/earning/discovering/enjoying greater independence, they’re saying we don’t need you, we don’t want kids, we don’t need your money. Unfortunately, in the face of this rejection, men, especially young men, are becoming more misogynistic with some (or many) self-identifying as “incels” (a combination of the words involuntary celibate). None of this seems good or suggests that there are easier times ahead in the dating world.
The fact of the matter is, gender roles have changed and are evolving. While not fully there in terms of economic equality, women have fought for and claimed rights that are long overdue (bodily autonomy, sexual freedom, economic empowerment). They don’t need men in the same way that they used to, which I think is a good thing, but also a shock for everyone involved. Collectively, we’re struggling to adapt to those changes. Men, I think, are struggling to navigate between old norms and newer norms, old dynamics and newer dynamics. As those dynamics around who needs whom have changed, I think we’re all struggling to move between the subtleties of “need” and “want.”
Moreover, years of self-help psychology and bad relationships have hammered into us the notion that we need to be fully independent or fully-formed selves in order to have a thriving relationship. That same mindset made the phrase co-dependency into a boogeyman to be avoided at all costs. Personally, I think the conversation, at best, lacks nuance and, at worst, lacks self-awareness. As someone who believes that we’re mirrors for each other, I reject the notion of a fully-formed and autonomous self. I think it’s ok to need someone else or to want someone else or to want to be wanted or needed in return. I happen to believe that we can be independent and also need each other. I think we’re better when we work together and rely on each other. I think we can grow in the presence of others in ways that we might not grow on our own. This is why I prefer the phrase effective dependency or interdependent. This is why I think of relationships in the same way the poet Adrienne Rich thought of relationships – as going the hard way, as refining and redefining our truths, as stripping away self-delusion. I think some of the strongest relationship are full of self-doubt and striving to be better for yourself, this other person, and the relationship.
But that doesn’t seem to be the direction in which we’re heading. By wielding the leverage of not needing anyone, we’re becoming risk averse and are closing ourselves off to shared vulnerability. When I read that people are hesitant to give up the sweetness of their solitude, what I’m hearing is that they’re comfortable in their current life and unwilling to disturb that comfort with the messiness that another person brings. Which is all fine and good and makes a certain amount of sense, except that they’re also saying they would like a relationship. I see this all the time on dating profiles: “I have a great life, but wouldn’t mind sharing it.” We’ve moved from looking for people “to complete” us (a mindset that has its own flaws) to its opposite of looking for people to “add” to our experiences as though our partners are accessories to be shopped for and worn on certain occasions and only when we’re in the mood.
Sadly, as we become more isolated – and we are becoming more isolated – I’m afraid we’re also becoming more dismissive of each other and less willing to tolerate incursions into our various spaces. Dating in the 2020s, in my observation, seems to be about doing your own thing and fitting someone else in when it’s convenient. I’m afraid when we only work from a position of convenience, we lose our ability and/or willingness to extend understanding to others, which means, ultimately, we lose our ability and/or willingness to love.
Begrudgingly, I include myself in this “we” category. I have, to some degree, stopped looking or only looked for what’s convenient. While I’d like the companionship and partnership aspect of a relationship, I find myself less willing to compromise and less willing to give up my time and/or my comforts. It’s difficult to say this without sounding judgmental, but being single by choice (or through an unwillingness to compromise) is a selfish act – and I think the world is becoming more selfish. Maybe dating and apps or gender differences aren’t the heart of the problem and are merely symptoms of our collective slide towards selfishness? Personally, I feel, and fear, as though I’ve become more selfish – with my time, my space, and my affection. And the frustration many people seem to be expressing is that we don’t know what to do about it or this used to be easier.
What hit home from the article, what triggered the “regrets,” was when one woman said, “I wish I could have met my person before the stupid gender wars, social media and red pill rhetoric that has ruined people’s view of dating and marriage.” To this, I found myself saying, “yes! that’s it.” I found myself feeling as though we’ve reached a point of no return – or maybe I’ve reached a point of no return. I’ve often wished I could turn back the clock and either find a way to make that past relationship work or settle into a different yet equally exciting, committed, and fulfilling one. Sadly, what I thought was possible in that relationship that ended 2,156 days ago seems exponentially harder now. It’s not that that relationship was “easy” or perfect, but we liked each other enough to work at it. There was enough of a spark between us to build momentum. In today’s environment, there seems to be very little kindling and even fewer lighters or matches – and what kindling there is, isn’t used to warm our hearth but is, instead, used to set the other aflame as we condemn each other to be witches. In today’s environment, it feels as if the chasm between men and women has grown while our tolerances have diminished. The differences seem so great and our patience so thin that having an awesome first few dates, the kind that build momentum and curiosity, seems unlikely if unimaginable. And without momentum and shared enthusiasm, getting to the comfortable spaces where honesty, trust, sharing, and growth reside is nearly impossible.
No, the more I think about it, I don’t think regret is the right word. I don’t regret that relationship, or its end, or much of what has followed. It is, perhaps, this uncomfortable rise in my own (and society’s) selfishness and independence that gives me pause with hints of grief. It is this wish that I could have figured all of this out and snagged my opportunity before the world went to shit (or a sense of frustration in thinking I had this figured out way back then). I tend to see that time in my life as when I was at my most giving and least selfish. It was one of the few times I tried to see and understand someone else and was committed to working through our challenges because even the tough spots felt like growth and there was always something bigger on the other side. In short, it was time of optimism. I’m less optimistic now, and for good reason. As the article from the Guardian leads off, “by 2030, 45% of prime working age women in the US, defined as women aged between 25 and 44, will be single according to Census Bureau historical data and Morgan Stanley forecasts – the largest share in history.” One can assume roughly similar numbers of men will be single. In today’s dating environment, where everyone, myself included, seems to have barriers up before they even begin, it feels as though first connections are a minor miracle. And I think it’s that openness and giving spirit that I miss, that hasn’t bounced back. The intervening years and a few half-hearted attempts have quietly ushered in a level of cynicism that will sometimes whisper, no one wants to go the hard way, you better figure out, and get comfortable with, how to go it alone.