The sun is almost noon high. The sky is clear and pale blue. I’m having a tasty and simple lunch. I’ve already been to the farmer’s market, and gone for a run by the Bay, and written a few words that might become poems. The day feels good.
Friday, after work, I took the train to Oakland where I had a burger and a beer in the sun at a beer garden and then went to see Jack White at the Fox Theater. I was there early enough to be two or three people away from the stage. At the show I met and hung out with Mack. He used to live in the city. Moved here from North Jersey 20-some years ago. We talked about bagels and pizza and cheesesteaks and the northeast foods that aren’t the same out here. Now he lives in Petaluma, but wishes he were back in the city. The city being San Francisco. I sometimes wonder if Oakland, a proper and cool city in its own right, ever feels slighted by not being “the city.” Some New Yorkers refer to Philadelphia as the sixth borough. After the show, I hung out with some friends at my neighborhood spot.
Yesterday was another sun-filled day in SF. After a morning run and brief excursion to the Haight, I stopped by a block party not far from my place. One of the nearby bars was celebrating 125 years of being in business. The bands were decent, there were lots of people – even a few people who I knew and hung out with. Feeling as though I had had my fill of being social, I left the block party, went home, and stayed in for the night. Music in the dark, early-ish to bed.
I have a love / less-than-love relationship with being socail (because I certainly don’t hate it). It’s nice to have met and been welcomed in by so many people. On any given night, I can go to my local pub and run into between three or ten people I’ll know. Sometimes, we’ll hang out and talk, share backstories, share current stories, tell jokes, or talk about music. Sometimes, it’s just fist bumps or hugs and a “hey, good to see you.”
That cadre of pub people continues to grow. The other night I met woman who lives nearby – she shared her story: difficult divorce, blames herself for trying too hard, conceding too much… would have done anything to make it work. We parted with, “I’m sure I’ll run into you here again. Looking forward to it.” After the concert on Friday, I hung out with a guy I’ve met a few different times. He’s newish to the neighborhood. He’s looking for guy friends – specifically, straight, guy friends. Being gay, most of his friends are women or other gay men – and they all live in different parts of the city. He asked if I’d want to hang out and toss a football around or something. It was awkward and almost comical because when he made a throwing motion, I said, “football, really? cause you don’t seem like the toss the ball around type.” He said, you know, do guy things then admitted he doesn’t really want to throw a football, just wants to hang out where all the other people frolic in the sun. He said it looks like so much fun – everyone is out in groups of friends. He suggested a picnic in the park instead. Texted me later, “Hey King, let me know when you wanna hang out” – or something to that effect.
And as the friend / acquaintance group grows, I occasionally find myself shrinking back or distancing myself. It’s not that I don’t want to hang out, but like so many people, I want to do these things on my terms and in my time. This is when I feel, and have to admit, I might be a bit of a loner – more so than I thought I was or used to be. This is when I feel like an east-coaster: somewhat to the point and not always social. What this looks like in practice is instead of inviting friends to do the things I do, or instead of accepting their invitations, I do those things on my own – which makes me feel like I’m dismissive or aloof or just a jerk – especially when they see me out in the wild flying solo. I didn’t respond to the text, and yet, I’ll probably go hang out by the water where people will be having fun and tossing Frisbees and balls. Not only am I content to go there on my own, I almost crave it. I don’t really want to share that time or have it interrupted.
Normally, I’d try to end a post like this with some sort of half-shrug stating that I don’t what to do about this, blah blah blah. But today, I’m feeling zen towards the world – happy to have a wide and growing set of friends and acquaintances, and happy to have time to myself when I need it. It doesn’t always feel balanced, but it usually feels good.