I started talking with Joe because I overheard him debating with the tr*mper sitting between us. When the tr*mper left, I leaned over and said, “you’re not wrong, this is some scary nazi shit that’s going on.” Joe seemed like a nice enough guy, and at least we agreed on politics. Joe is from Canada but is living hear in San Francisco. He works in tech. His girlfriend is still in Canada. She’s a lawyer or was a lawyer, I’m not quite sure. The distance is causing problems for them. Or that’s at least part of the story.
Joe feels like no matter what he does, his girlfriend is unhappy with him. He shared with me a short string of text messages. She was pretty passive aggressive and also a little aggressive aggressive – saying things like, “you say you miss me, but clearly you don’t because…” I think her reasoning was because Joe didn’t go to visit her this month and because he didn’t answer her call earlier in the evening. Joe’s defense was that he’s visited her in Canada each month these last few months (and when he visits they argue and don’t have a good time), and that they talked for an hour and a half the night before. He told me he’s out at a bar, he wants to have a good time (not in the philandering sort of way), and doesn’t want to have to talk to her. He’s feeling trapped. I kept thinking it’s not unusual for your boyfriend/girlfriend/partner/significant other to want to talk to you every night.
Aside from the one text from her that I read, I only heard Joe’s side of the story. But the “issue” or “issues” weren’t hard to figure out. This was a pretty classic case of avoidant/dismissive attachment style (Joe) meets anxious attachment style (Joe’s girlfriend). I said to Joe, “let me take a guess, she’s very warm and nice to everybody, and that’s what you really like about her.” He looked at me like I was a magician. That’s exactly who she is and exactly what he likes about her. I followed up, “and if I had to guess, you’re ex, the one you mentioned seeing before meeting this girlfriend – she wasn’t like that at all.” Again, I got the look like I was a wizard. His ex didn’t care what he did. She was super independent, and liked to do her own thing. She also understood that Joe needs his space. If I had to guess, Joe sees in his current girlfriend things that were “missing” from his last relationship and things he feels he’s missing in general. We admire in others what’s missing from within. He admitted to wanting to be a warmer person.
Joe and I had a long conversation. At times, he said he thinks he needs to break up with his girlfriend. At times, he was lost on how to respond to her. My first bit of advice was don’t respond when you’re out at a bar drinking – clear your head first. Beyond that, I asked him if he’s asked her what she needs. I reasoned that if he feels that his every move is the wrong move, stop being reactionary. Ask her for help. I outlined a scenario that could have played out differently. I asked Joe if, hypothetically, she had said she just wanted a five minute chat to hear his voice, would he have been willing to step outside for five minutes? He said sure… then added he knows she’ll want more than five minutes. I challenged him to ask the questions before assuming she’s going to want more. I told him that asking, from a genuine place of curiosity will, at the least, force her to articulate her needs and maybe help her feel heard. I also had to acknowledge that people can be really bad at asking for what they want (passive aggressiveness is often a result of not being able to express one’s needs and feelings). I wasn’t suggesting that he do this in the moment. I think he had had too many drinks to have a productive conversation with his girlfriend. But I challenged Joe to think about whether or not he’s willing ask the questions, and more importantly, listen to the answers and maybe even meet her part way. I challenged Joe to dig into to why he feels trapped or why he’s resistant to what she’s asking. It sounds like he’s negotiating to be right as opposed to trying to find common ground.
I’ve dated women who were a little (or a lot) like Joe. I’m sure to them, I was a little (or a lot) like Joe’s girlfriend. He called her clingy and needy and said she wasn’t like this when they first met. I’ve been there, too. I suggested to Joe that when they first met she probably seemed very warm and fairly independent… and to her he probably seemed independent and open to a connection. Those things are probably all true. But her independence might have been a function of being single (you don’t really have a choice) and his openness to connecting might also have been a function of being single. I don’t think either of them lied or changed or intentionally misled. It’s just that, for most of us, the single version of who we are, can look considerably different than the coupled version of who we are.
Joe wanted to know my story. I told him I was married for a while, then dated, then was engaged for short bit and have been single (mostly) ever since. He asked what happened with the engagement. I said we were in the same pattern that he and his girlfriend were in. She needed space, I need connection. I said we fell into a withdraw/chase cycle. The more she withdrew, the more I clung. The more I clung, the worse she thought of me (pathetic, weak, or whatever) and the more she felt she needed out – that’s usually how those things play out. This was magician/wizard moment number three. Joe would appreciate/respect his girlfriend so much more if she didn’t need him as much as she does.
As I shared some of my story, I told him, if you take a long view (the rest of your life view) a few months or years of figuring things out isn’t such a big deal. If you want a rest of your life thing (and not everyone wants that), you’d do well to see rough patches as temporary. People change. Life changes. Patience, curiosity, and grace can go a long way in navigating those changes. I said I think people in good relationships consciously choose to be with their person again and again. When that choice isn’t an easy one, they find a way to see beyond the moment. They look to the past for shared memories, or they find a way to imagine an enjoyable future that has much of what the present moment seems to be missing.
I could sense that Joe might be staying in his relationship because he doesn’t want to hurt his girlfriend. When he talked about possibly breaking up, he said, “but she has a birthday coming up in a couple of months. I can’t do that to her.” I didn’t say anything to him about this, because outside of abusive relationships, I wouldn’t ever advise someone to get out of their relationship…. but his justification feels like a really bad reason to stay in a relationship. I suspect that by staying in, things will only get more complicated for them.
What I didn’t share with Joe, and maybe should have… what took me a few years to reconcile on my own, was that by leaving, not only did my ex-fiancee do the difficult and right thing, but in some respects, she had done exactly what I had asked her to do. Early in our relationship, I told her that I wanted an equal partner, to not let me steamroll, and that I didn’t want anyone who was just along for the ride. I couldn’t articulate it back then, but I wanted (and still do) someone who’s going to choose me and the relationship even on those tough days when other options seem easier or more attractive. I don’t know when she realized it wasn’t going to be a forever thing for her, but in a strange way, I’m glad she did. I feel bad if she stayed in it to spare my feelings. I’m glad she didn’t go through with the wedding if she knew, in her bones, it wasn’t what she wanted. I suspect Joe knows this isn’t working.
That’s how a lot of relationships end. One person decides they want to make different choices. One person decides that the current situation isn’t going to change, or isn’t worth riding out, or is no longer fun. Joe said that he and his girlfriend aren’t having fun.
I’m no therapist (I only play one at the local bar), but I can’t say I have a lot of faith that the two of them will make it. Joe seems ambivalent about a future together. When he thinks of it, I think he imagines more of the same – him feeling like he doesn’t have space and isn’t measuring up, him feeling trapped. What they have going for them is a shared past and the desire not to hurt each other. Sadly, that’s just enough of an entanglement to ensure one or both of them will be hurt if or when it doesn’t work out. He had mentioned couples therapy. I told him that it was one of the best things I did – convinced me that I was willing to go (wanted to go) the hard way with this other person. It didn’t work out that way, but I knew I was (and maybe we were) putting it all on the line. Given that Joe feels like he’s already doing enough (talked with her the night before, visited her last month), I’m afraid he’ll see therapy as a chore, as another thing he can’t get right.
Joe paid his tab, went to the bathroom, and left. I’d say I wish the best for them – and I do, but in this case, I think the best is that they find collective clarity and peace -together or apart, sooner rather than later.