Tuesday morning. I read the lines, “It’s not getting any easier, / not with these picture hooks / hammered through the walls of my heart,” (from the poem “My Life” by Dobby Gibson). I pause and reflect. I want to make the lines my own. There’s something about how memory lingers in the mind and heart – nailed there. Maybe instead of heart, the walls are in the chest and maybe instead of picture hooks, it’s the slightly brighter spots left on the blank walls after the pictures have been taken down. Memories can be like that – even when they’re not as crisp or forwardly present, the ghosts linger like reverse shadows. I stopped reading. I stopped contemplating. I looked over at the plant that needs watering and thought about giving it a good soak in the kitchen sink. It’s raining here – heavily. I can sense it’s going to be one of those days.
Monday night, same Gibson book and also raining. I was struck by the lines, “Ideally, the air would always feel warmer than the self, / as it does now, reminding us that we’re doing / the impossible, the thrill of a walk, that fragile skyline / lit up like an insect’s wings.” (“Hold Everything”) Work, weather, and illness have kept me inside more than usual. Walks have become less frequent. I paused my reading. I wrote about walks, the pastel-colored houses, yellow flowers on a grassy hillside, and some fictional us enjoying the warm air.
Wednesday. The clouds have cleared. Sunlight flooded the apartment. The plants noticed – or maybe it was the soaking. At lunch I went for a walk towards Fort Mason and then along the Bay. I’m always stunned by how beautiful it is here. In early February, we still have the vibrant colors of flowers and lush green grass.
Wednesday night. I hope to go to bed early. I’ve been toggling between writing and staring at the screen and doom-scrolling. Every day brings with it a fresh bouquet of hand grenades and outrages from the current administration. It’s inescapable. It’s designed to wear us down. The walk helped. The poetry helps. It’s not getting any easier.