Our minds do very strange things to us. Today I was researching a business based in Torrence, CA. I’m the type of guy who also has to pull a place up on a map. I love to understand a bit of geography. I wanted to know where Torrence was. As I zoomed out a bit and followed the California coast, down to Long Beach and past San Clemente, I saw those places that I became familiar with a year ago – Carlsbad, Encinitas, Solana Beach, San Marcos, Escondido, Pela Mesa, Fallbrook, Vista… My experiences out there etched those towns, their names, that feel in my mind. I wrote a poem, Hermosa Pelirroja inspired by my ex-fiancee, her San Diego roots, and the desire to visit Barcelona together.
She and I got engaged out there. It was amazingly special. While I’ll always remember that moment and that day, the thing that really sticks out when I look at the names of these towns on the map, is how alive B was while we were there. I’m not sure I had ever seen her so excited and also so relaxed. She always beamed, but this was different – I could see she belonged there, she was home, she was radiant. She was showing so much of herself. I saw the places where she grew up, her elementary school, the cafe where she and her mom hung out, the coffee shop where she worked….
We hung out with family, barbecued at her brother’s, drank and ate with friends. We cooked s’mores by the fire pit (a first for me), we hiked down through a park that had big bushy palm trees, visited meditation gardens, the hotel staff almost walked in on us fooling around because we thought we had another day in the room, we walked the beaches, we watched her nephew act life a goof around the new, soon to be uncle, we spent awkward moments with her father and warm moments with his girlfriend… It may have been one of the best trips of my life – it radiates in my memory and warms my soul. This is me now, many miles and months away, happily remembering California.
We took selfies everywhere. I had some pictures posted here. If you saw them, you’d see a really happy couple. B doesn’t want that out in the world and has asked that I take them down. She says it’s about privacy – I think it’s more about her controlling the story and denying her past (she seldom talked about her past relationships)… I suspect her issues with control became a projection. In the end, she called me controlling. Unfortunately, she was the one, who more than once, threatened to leave, the one setting the terms of any argument, the one who could never see the happy times (and, honestly – I have to walk that statement back…. I have lots and lots of texts that show she saw and loved the happy times… She frequently forgot them in the moments of her unhappiness – see article on how negativity ruins relationships). The things we dislike in someone else are the things we most dislike in ourselves. One of the most hurtful things B said was that she was unhappy every day in our relationship (blaming me for her unhappiness). I post pictures and quotes that show it’s not true. Why was I willing to put up with someone who made such statements? Why did I hold out hope for someone who would say such things? I can only say that I think I saw deeper, think I saw past the surface of those statements. She sometimes talked about her mother as being unhappy, mean, and controlling… she was hoping to avoid becoming that (she talked a few times about not wanting to be like her mother). I think she sees her dad as being weak and easily dismissed, and their marriage as being one of co-dependency – she was hoping to avoid that too (said it often)… I sometimes think I reminded her of her dad, and she loved and hated that about me, maybe because it made her feel like her mom. Why put up with it? Because people are complicated and I expect this type of turmoil on some level with anyone that I meet. I’ve dated a lot of people – the ones that brag about having their shit together (like my ex-friend Jen) are often the ones avoiding dealing with all of their shit. I expect messiness, and I’m determined to see through it and love our way to something better – was willing to do it even in the face of rejection and denial.
As for California, I don’t know if B realizes just how much she lights up when she’s back home. I’d love to take credit for those smiles (and maybe I deserve a little), but I think she has longed to share, and reclaim, that geography. I think a part of me believed that’s where we would end up. I would have liked that – for the two of us to establish roots out there. She has a young niece and nephew I know she’d like to see more often. She has good and loving friends there. So much of our time together was on my home turf in Pennsylvania. So much of our time was about me sharing my town, my family, my life. It was amazing to see her in her element, to experience California through her eyes and with her enthusiasm. I hope she finds her way back. I hope she finds her way home. I hope we both do.