Today is Christmas Eve. For me this has been one of those days that always symbolized quiet and beauty. Today is the birthday of my first girlfriend (we were together seven years). Christmas Eve was usually a raucous affair for her family – she often had to clean the house in order to prep for a family party (I thought her mother was wicked for making her do that on her birthday). I’m not sure I ever attended, I always spent Christmas Eve at my dad’s house… which was usually full of opening gifts, lots of books, lots of food…. but it was the after part that I came to enjoy most. After the drive home, the first few years we were together, my wife and I would sit by the glow of the Christmas tree. At some point she stopped sitting with me. I would still sit there, the only lights on in the room were from the tree. It was also a night of putting presents under the tree and filling the stockings. Last year with my ex-fiancee, B, in my family, it felt especially warm. I know she was quickly worn out from all of the family activity – like me, my family can be a lot all at once. But suddenly, she was the only family that really mattered.
I’m growing to appreciate quiet a lot more than I did. When things ended between us, B said something along the lines of she needs to be able to have the space to heal – something she wasn’t getting in the relationship. I didn’t know what she meant by this. I thought a lot of that healing had already happened in the years since her husband’s passing. I was powerless to help with the brokenness she felt, unable to fully understand or feel it. Now, when I think about how I would rather be alone than surrounded by family, I have a much better sense of what she meant. Yesterday as I was reading about love and reunions, I came across an old article in the LA Times. One of the women interviewed had said:
“I always felt like he was my soul mate,” says Vreeland, who will move from New York to Salt Lake City to be with Ming. “The years have burnished him. They made all the things he was before that I loved even more so now . . . his wit, sensitivity and kindness. He also has become a deeper person. He has weathered loss.”
In a very real way, I think I have become a deeper person in these past few months. My level for understanding some of the things my ex would talk about has grown in ways I wouldn’t have expected. I need peace and quiet and alone time in ways I didn’t need before – in ways I never understood before. I spend a lot more time thinking about what it means to have a meaningful and rich life – most of which just reinforces my view on love as the center to that life.
I hope to have many years of happiness. And having experienced the power of a deep connection, I’m coming to accept that so many things can be possible in those relationships. Not just reunions, but unions over distances. I had always kept my dating interests local, but if I truly believe love conquers all, then I have to believe it can conquer distance too. I’m more open to that than I used to be. I’d be ok leaving my job and location for that type of love. That was a huge lesson I learned from B – I didn’t care about the what or where of the future, so long as we were enjoying it together.
I made my way to CVS today. An older gentleman next to me in the card aisle wanted to know where all of the cards for “wife” were. I pointed him to the section on love – the cards for wife were all sold out, there were more than a few cards for husband left. I bought some cards for my family. I feel bad for having been so selfishly preoccupied this year.
After thinking about it for a little bit, I bought a card for B too. I remember her telling me she isn’t in love with me anymore, that she will never come back. It didn’t change how I felt about her. I’ve said elsewhere in this blog that I’d rather feel good about loving her (even in her absence) than feel jaded or animosity or anything else towards her. I still want to do lots of amazing things for her – giving is my nature. I’ll write the card out, but won’t send it. I’ll put it in the shoe box of memories marked B. We had talked about writing each other a note or card each year and putting it on the tree for each other – I’m holding on to this “tradition” for now. I didn’t put a tree up this year, but as I stood there in the store looking at cards, I realized I’d rather express love (even if it’s never received or reciprocated) than not show it. If this is what makes me feel good, I don’t want to deny it. It’s how I feel, full-hearted and deep…. and that’s what this season and this day is about for me – feeling love in all its quiet splendor.
