I wrote a note on my phone at 3:30 am. I initially woke up at around 2am (a touch of heartburn from a late-for-me dinner of tacos with more jalapenos than I needed and a slice of frozen pizza). I clearly live a very unsupervised life. When I woke at 2, the sound of the foghorn from the Bay was long, loud, and low – there must have been a big ship moving through. I had an image of waves, but then of a hammock swaying in a breeze. These are the things I wrote on my phone – they make very little sense now. Yet, between 2am and 3:30am, I kept waking up and trying to memorize them so that I could write them down. I thought it would be a poem – mad ramblings at 2am with each line beginning with “at 2am…” at 2am the hammock swings in the breeze. at 2am the foghorn bellows… It turns out it was only a list of two or three things that weren’t terribly mad and even less interesting. so much for writing in my sleep or tapping into some dreamlike state.
It’s gray and cool here on Saturday morning. It’s been raining since last night – shortly after a heavy fog rolled in. I’ll probably spend the day cleaning. I may have a house guest for a few days – I’m still waiting to hear from him on when he might be arriving. My possible guest, is someone I grew up with. He’s a Facebook friend who has been having a tough time of things – all of which he’s shared in great detail on FB. Mental health challenges, financial challenges, family challenges. I reached out and suggested he take some time away from all of it… come out to the coast, sit by the water, soak up some sun, chill out. I hope a change of scenery will help him disconnect and/or recharge – maybe gain some peace. He was eager to take me up on the offer, but I doubt he’ll try to disconnect and find peace. As someone who has worked on my own process of “letting go” and “non-attachment” of many things (people, places, things), I’ve learned that it’s a practice (meaning it’s never complete). I’ve also learned that there’s a “meta” aspect to the practice that makes it multi-layered or multi-stepped. First we tell everyone that we’re letting go… and eventually we let go of the need to show that we’ve let go.
In addition to cleaning, I may use the day to “get things in order.” The other day I was bitching about running parallel systems for my data (Google Photos vs. iCloud). While I still get a minor case of the heebie jeebies over the thought of methodically doing a side-by-side comparison of 4,000 songs – my music library has gotten so messed up that the last time I tried to sync, it deleted almost all of the playlists from my phone and on the few it kept, it didn’t keep all of the songs. It sucked to find this out when I chose a playlist for a 40 minute run only to find out it only had 5 songs which it played on repeat until I was done with my run. At this point, I think the only solution is to create a definitive library on my computer, and then delete everything from my phone and re-sync. And who knows – maybe the process becomes fodder for a poem – the stupid and unnecessary complications of living a modern life. That is, assuming I don’t blast myself back to the stone age by deleting every account I have.
It’s also May and I’m realizing that I did a terrible job of trying to establish, or even experiment with, poetry routines. National poetry month came and went and I did nothing out of the ordinary for it. My reading, writing, and editing habits remained as haphazard as ever. Next time.
To date, I’ve also done a pretty bad job of establishing a more consistent exercise routine. I never ran the race back in February. Messing up my stride in January put any hopes of training out of reach. Also – the weather forced the race to be canceled. I run a few times a week, but not consistently. There’s a half-marathon in July that I might do – and a shorter race (12k) later this month that could serve as a training race. The 12k is less of a race and more of a free-for-all. A lot of people wear costumes, quite a few people run naked, some people walk the entire thing. They have a handful of teams that run centipede style: they’re physically linked together and have to run together. If I run it, I will most certainly remain clothed. I don’t own any costumes,though I’ve thought I could buy a headband with fake wing/lightening bolts like the character The Flash or knee-high socks – something that shows I’ve put in minimal effort. Because it’s more of a 12k roving party than an actual race, I won’t feel bad if I walk some of it.
Beyond the one or two races and a handful of concerts I might go to, the list of things I’d like to do (or need to do) is growing and I’m becoming increasingly aware of the ways in which I’m cautiously/prudently holding back. Emotionally, I’m 100% committed to living here. Financially, I’m as a committed as I can be without having a job. My biggest first-world problem is that I’m not participating fully because doing so is beyond my means. I don’t go out to eat, I don’t take weekend trips, and I refrain from buying things that would make life “better” or “easier” (new clothes, a few things for the apartment, etc.). In hopes of preventing injury, I’ll probably break down and buy some new running shoes so that I can break them in in time for the races. I know I need to schedule a check-up with a doctor, and I really need to get my shoulder/nerve issue looked at. I don’t do any upper-body exercises because they all involve arms and shoulders, and I have persistent pain there. I also need to get new contact lenses – which means finding a doctor and checking what my insurance covers – things I’ve been putting off because I know it will all change when I get a new job and different insurance.
For now… I should probably work on at least one of these things (cleaning, poetry, organizing my library, finding a doc). But maybe I’ll enjoy watching the rain for a bit.