Yep, it’s that time of year… sniffles and coughs, aches, grogginess, malaise. I felt it coming on Wednesday night. Now, I’m in the throes of it. Stuffed up and tired, I don’t feel like doing much. Writing will probably be a challenge. Getting out to see people will also be a bit of a challenge. As if the holiday wasn’t already an emotional battle, I’m sick on top of it.
Being sick reminded me of the last time I was sick. Both B and I had gotten in this pattern of giving each other a cold, it seemed like it passed back and forth once or twice. I can distinctly remember her making us some warm lemon and honey water – something I had never had before. It was such a nice show of love and care – very endearing. Men can be big babies when they get sick… I think I’m more of a little baby when I’m sick (not too annoying, but still a little annoying). My ex would call me a baby – I don’t remember us really caring for each other when we got sick. Is it weird to say I loved taking care of B? She was at times a stubborn woman, so only when she was sick was she a little more accepting of my help. I liked doing little things like picking up some soup for her, or cleaning up a bit around the house, or taking the dog for a walk so she could rest.
I remember B got pretty sick just after things ended. We were still talking (a little). She had just come back from a road trip down south, and caught something during her travels. I was coming in to the city for free museum day – it was pouring rain. I texted her to tell her I would be in town, said she was welcome to join me. She said she was really sick. I felt horrible that I couldn’t be there to comfort her. I offered to help, and she briefly considered it. I said I could pick up some soup and groceries for her, cook for her. She decided to have them delivered. I was already slogging through the city, so I stopped and bought her a bunch of flowers. The last time I had been over, her place was full of all of the moving boxes from when she moved out. I felt sad to see everything like that, and I just thought she could really use some flowers to cheer her up on a rainy day while she was sick. I left them at her door and texted her to say exactly that: “I thought you could use something to brighten up your day.”
We did a lot of nice things for each other like that. Most mornings when I left her place to go home and go to work, I left a little note to say I love you. It usually said I hope you have an awesome morning, or today is going to be your day or, just I love you over and over. I don’t remember when I started leaving the notes (a little before we got engaged), but think I kept it up for almost two months, maybe more. Looking back, I sometimes wonder if it was overkill. She once said I never gave her enough space to do nice things for me. I wasn’t trying to crowd her out. I believed in competitions in generosity (without it really being a competition). I sometimes think that maybe she felt like she couldn’t keep up. I never wanted anything more from her than what she was already giving me. It’s back to that running metaphor, I didn’t expect her to keep up, I just wanted to be there with her. I saw how much she cared when she would stop at the store during her lunch to pick stuff up for dinner, or when she would snuggle up next to me on the couch and hold my hand, and in the cards she wrote to me.
It sucks being sick. It’s even worse not having my person here to be nice to me and care for me. I miss having that.